Star Light Ministries

I performed a wedding yesterday. The wedding was on a Potomac River cruise, and this is the license plate that was on the limo that took us to the cruise. Oh, my!

I hear it over and over again. Young people (age 25-30) not knowing what they want to be “when they grow up.”

But what I’ve found is that it’s not really about not having any choices. It’s really about not knowing which career to choose. And a deep abiding fear that they may choose the WRONG thing.

There are a few things you can do if you’re feeling stuck with too many choices:

1. Get to know yourself a little better. Try a couple of personality tests and see which professions are recommended. Read the Strengthsfinder books and website, and see what your strengths are. Remember, the closer the match to your personality and strengths, the more likely you are to be happy in the field.

2. Enlist help. Coaches abound right now, find a good one for you. Ask your friends who have jobs you admire, “What would I be good at?” Ask your friends and family to think about your strengths and tell you how they think you’d excel.

3. Remember that you can always change your mind. Say you pick a path and 3 months or 3 years later, you decide that it’s not the path for you… you can always change your mind. And every experience that you have in the work force will offer you opportunities for transferable skills. Started out in Human Resources, but find that you really hate the people and want to sit in your cubicle all by yourself? Guess what! You have access to all the jobs! Look and see what would fit your need to have more alone time.

4. People have, on average, at least 3 or 4 careers in their lifetimes. That’s not 3 or 4 jobs, but 3 or 4 careers! Even if you do find the perfect fit for right now, it probably won’t fit you forever. Remember that it’s okay to change, on down the line.

There’s really only one solution to feeling stuck with too many choices. Pick one! Give yourself some space to make mistakes, but recognize that all you can do is the research and getting the help you need, then choose!

You’ll be happier for it.

This is great.

via The Hooker Chronicles

Okay, I know. I’m not supposed to want to “help” sex workers.

But I do.

And while Laura Agustin’s post is about workers in Thailand, and I work with a different population, U.S. sex workers, Laura’s post worried me a bit. I thought, “Maybe I should resign and offer my position to a sex worker, one who can more confidently understand what sex workers go through, one who can identify more strongly with the population, one who can speak for sex workers, instead of about them.”

But there’s a few fundamental flaws with thinking that only sex workers can speak for sex workers. First, there’s access. I preach from the pulpits of churches around the U.S. These same pulpits would not be open to a sex worker. I speak to many groups who would ignore, discount, and yes, even vilify a sex worker who came to speak. But because the message comes from a minister, who has listened (and listened deeply) to the stories of sex workers, church members can hear it, and begin to let go of their prejudices.

Second, there’s safety. Is it safe for a sex worker to come out as a sex worker? Sometimes, it’s not. For escorts and others with direct sexual contact with clients, they can face legal ramifications of speaking out. That’s a criminal record, fines, and even jail time. For those working in legal sex work, “coming out” can mean having trouble getting jobs, credit, and alienation from their friends and families.

Third, there’s diversity in the voices of sex workers. We all know that sex work is not monolithic, that each woman’s experience is different. One voice speaking FOR sex workers doesn’t work. Ever. But the more voices, the better.

Laura writes:

I might add that the whole idea of material intended to ‘train’ helpers in how to treat sex workers - or anyone else - is patronising, as though they were not human beings or needed some special psychology or sensitivity.

I totally disagree. In all actuality, the training is and should be patronizing. Because people who have never worked in sex work SHOULD KNOW BETTER! But how many times have sex workers visited physicians, social workers, psychologists, and pastors (among a variety of other professionals) who don’t get that sex work is WORK, who make assumptions about the people in sex work that, well, just aren’t true, who judge the sex workers? Professionals of all types need to be reminded that individuals in sex work are human. So, if we must patronize them (the “helpers”, that is) in order to remind them that the people they are “helping” are humans, with the same human needs of everyone else, then patronize away.

I know that Laura was saying that training would be patronizing to the sex workers. It should be quite the opposite. Patronize the “helpers.” Help them understand that sex workers aren’t “other.”

Sex workers need advocates that have access, understanding, and are safe enough to tell their stories. I do agree with Laura that those advocates should be following directives of the sex workers, rather than what they think will “help.” Star Light has committed, this year, to doubling the size of our Board of Directors to include more sex workers—in fact, our goal is that half the Board be sex workers. Sex workers should set the agenda, give guidance for how we offer help, and even provide services. But we as advocates can go where they cannot go, speak when they cannot speak, and support when they cannot stand alone.

It’s for sex workers.
It’s by sex workers.
And it’s of sex workers.

I always wonder why “gratefullness” is not a word, then I remember, “Oh! It’s gratitude!”

On a bad day, it’s always good to remember what you’re grateful for. So I’m taking a deep breath, and writing 15 things for which I’m grateful.

1. Loving parents.
2. Great friends (I may get more specific).
3. An amazing church, Richmond Mennonite Fellowship. They really GET it.
4. Star Light Ministries, and all the people who make it what it is.
5. Shelter.
6. My car, and the fact that it’s paid off!
7. The price of gas has gone down.
8. I’m going to see my friend Sohini next Monday.
9. My friend Jack and his amazing art work.
10. The friends I’ve made on the internet (not talking about dating sites here!).
11. Laughter, and lots of it.
12. New friends.
13. My best friends, Todd and Kelly.
14. My godchildren.
15. My brain.

Wow. When I started, I thought it’d be hard to make it to 15. Instead, I don’t want to stop.

I found a prayer in Gates of Prayer: The New Union Prayer Book, the prayer book used by many reform synagogues. Here it is:

There are many who say: “O that we might see some good! Bestow Your favor upon us, O Eternal One!” And yet You have put joy in my heart, more than others have when their grain and their wine abound. In peace I will both ie down and sleep, for You alone, Lord, make me live unafraid.

May it ever be.

Yeah, I know it’s not really post #700 about career transitioning, but it already feels like it. Did I mention that I’m no good at writing a series?

There’s a great book about how change works in our lives, called Changing for Good, by Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross. Here’s how they explain the six stages in the cycle of change:

1) Pre-Contemplation (not currently considering change)
2) Contemplation (thinking about thinking about making change, sitting on the fence, want to change and don’t want to change)
3) Preparation (emotionally compelling reason to change, testing the waters)
4) Action (engaging in actions to bring about change)
5) Maintenance (continued commitment to sustaining new behavior)
and 6) Relapse or Recycle (resumption of old behaviors, very NORMAL)

There are specific realizations and steps in each of these stages that help sustain and strengthen change. As we have discussed, in pre-contemplation and contemplation, you have to remember that the CHOICE IS YOURS, and that some ambivalence is normal.

In the preparation stage, it’s important to identify and problem-solve for obstacles, find social support, figure out your best course of action, and take small steps towards change.

So! Now we’re to the next stage, action. In the immortal words of Monica from Friends, “It just got interesting!” Here’s some ways to help in this stage.

First, focus on restructuring the cues that trigger when you feel you need to work. For instance, if you always think you need to pick up a shift or two when rent is due, work on having your rent a bit early. I find that many women transitioning out find that getting rid of the majority of their costumes helps during this stage. It’s kinda like getting rid of the things that make it easy to return to dancing.

Second, recognize in your head when you succeed in dealing with obstacles. For example, it’s Friday night, you’re feeling broke, and calling a regular customer would be really easy. He’d pay you. You’d have fun. But you really don’t want to do it. “I’ve quit,” you tell yourself. When you don’t call the client, pat yourself on the back. If you have a friend who is “in the know” about your situation, give him or her the opportunity to tell you how great you are (because you are, even if it’s hard!). Find a counselor or a coach. Find a mentor. Give yourself an reward.

Third, be aware that you are going to feel loss in leaving your work. You are going to miss aspects of stripping or escorting. There are some really fun parts of your work, there’s always the cash, there’s the attention, the play, so many great aspects. And you’re going to miss them. Find ways to get those same needs met in another arena. Love the performance aspect of your work? Try out for a play! Miss the pole? Take a pole class!

Fourth, focus on the long-term benefits and your long-term goals. What will be the best part of not being in sex work? Here’s some benefits that some women have reported to me: being able to tell people exactly what you do for a living, with no judgment; feeling like they own their bodies again (which translates, often, to better sex!); people appreciate you for who you are, instead of how you look; relationships with significant others are simpler; and, especially, a real sense of pride in their work.

One of the biggest obstacles that people face when they leave sex work is an overwhelming sense that your whole life will be marred by the fact that you did work that many people judge. You’ll wonder if sex work will follow you forever, if you’ll be excluded from work because of your past. You may see sex work as a liability.

However, sex work can be an asset. You’ve learned and succeeded in a difficult job! There are tons of transferable skills that will inform your next work and make you unstoppable! I can tell you some of the assets, but you have to add some to the list:

You KNOW people. You can read anyone.
You can SELL!
You can negotiate!
You know how to attract many different types of people.

These are four traits that can take any resume to the top of the stack! And you have YOUR special skills to add to that list.

I’m going to write more soon on writing resumes, so keep an eye out. If there’s any way that Star Light can help, through offering referrals for services, help with resume writing, or just a friend to reach out to, use our contact form, and we’ll be in touch.

And remember. Please, always remember. The choice is yours. You’re a wonderful person, you’re the only YOU there is, and YOU are in control of your life.

Star Light, Star Bright,
first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
have the wish I wish tonight…

I find myself in the same space many of the people I know in ministry find themselves at. Needing more money.

A lot of you know what I’m talking about, because many of you live the same precarious life I lead… Wanting to follow your life’s work, but never being able to make it financially. Most of you know that Star Light has never really paid me for the work that I do. It’s, honestly, a labor of love. But the bill collectors don’t understand that.

So, when do you give up? How do you know when to say, “Enough is enough?” I do feel like the work that I do is important, but is it enough? I look around me and think, “Well, maybe it’s time to get a ‘real’ job.”

A friend said to me yesterday that the age of professional clergy is done. The days of being paid for ministry is waning, because church is waning. But, then, if you feel you are called to ministry, what should you do? Without going back to school to become a counselor, I’m not sure what I could do that would give me the satisfaction that working with sex workers gives me.

So, thoughts and prayers, for clarity are appreciated.

You’re thinking of getting a new job. But there’s a problem:

What do you call the job that’s not sex work?

I mean, we all call that job something, right? I’ve heard it called the “straight” job, the “day” job, the “real” job. I hate all of these, because they either negate the fact that sex work is real work, or they’re not descriptive enough about the new job (what if your “day” job is really at night?), or they’re just plain not politically correct (the “straight” job, as opposed to the GLBT job?)

So, what will you call it?

So you have come up with a list of your expenses and a list of your income. And you find that a) you’re not making enough money to pay all of your expenses, or b) in order to get ahead, you want to cut your expenses and save more of your hard-earned money. What’s a girl to do?

Well, you can cut your expenses! (Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?)

Here’s some money-saving ideas:

Rent: get a roommate, or rent a room in your house. This will not only cut your rent, but it can potentially cut other expenses, too, like your phone bill, your internet bill, your cable bill, your utility bills, and even, perhaps, your food bill (if you cook, cooking for 2 is as inexpensive as cooking for 1). Make sure that you check references for anyone moving into your home, and be very clear what your expectations for the new roommate or boarder will be. Be a professional, and have a lease!

Utilities: Are you aware that raising your temperature in the summer or lowering it a bit in the winter can greatly affect your utility bills? Two degrees can make a big difference. Check your local utility websites for money saving ideas, like adding a brick to the back part of your toilet to lower your water usage.

Internet: Have a neighbor you really like and trust? How about sharing wireless internet with them? When two people share wireless, you pay half the bill!

Clothing and Extras: Let’s be frank here. The newest Prada bag isn’t an investment. The fabulous Gucci bag you’ve been looking at won’t keep you warm at night. The pair of the newest, hippest jeans that cost $225 won’t look any better than a $35 pair from Old Navy. Okay, they may look better, but they won’t last longer. And the ones from Old Navy won’t date you quite as quickly as the ones from Seven. If you must splurge, only pay cash for it, and ONLY do it once every few months.

Work Expenses: Okay, I know you’re going to hate me for this one, but have you ever heard of doing your own pedicure? Soak your feet, use a pumice, clip your nails and paint them up. Hmmm. I just saved you $40 for two weeks, and $80 for a month. That’s $960 a year.

Obviously, you can’t skimp on all work things, like tans, fingernails, hair. But there are small ways to cut your costs. Picture this: you usually get your hair colored every 6 weeks. Stretch it a little more (remember that roots are in!), maybe just a week, and instead of coloring your hair 8 times a year, you’ve gone to 7 times a year. This will save you the cost of a color job, at least $120.

So, during these tough economic times, what ways have you cut your expenses?

Whether you are thinking about getting out of sex work, feeling the push of the “new” economy, or just trying to figure out a better way to handle your finances, the Envelope Budget can work for you. It’s really basic and works great for working with cash.

First, write a list of all your expenses. Don’t leave anything out. Here’s a stab at it:

Rent or House Payment, including any condo fees.
Utilities, including gas, water, and electric (If your bills vary greatly, month-to-month, then think about getting the “budget” plan for your bill. The utility company will charge you the same amount each month, the total year’s usage divided by 12 months.)
Phone, including mobile and land line
Cable and internet
Car Payment
Car Insurance
Car Repairs (You know you have them, even if it’s just oil changes and new tires. If you don’t know how much to budget, consider the price of 4 oil changes and one set of tires for one year, and perhaps one major repair ($600?), then divide that total by 12.)
Health Insurance
Loan and Credit Card Payments (one envelop for each!)
Food (just what you spend at the grocery store for a week multiplied by 4)
Eating Out (One or two meals per week)
Alcohol, Tobacco, and/or Drugs (You know you’re going to use it, you might as well be honest and budget it!)
Clothing (Be realistic here!)
Entertainment
Savings (Should be at least 10% of your income. Remember to pay yourself first!)

Next, add up your monthly income. You know you work 4 or 5 nights a week, you know a good approximation of the amount you’ll make. I know it will vary, but estimate low—it’s always better to have money left over!

Once you figure out your approximate monthly budget by adding up all of your expenses, and you’ve got an idea of how much money you’re gonna make, you’re ready to get your envelopes out.

For each expense, start an envelope. Write on the outside of the envelope the category of payment. Then write, in the corner of the envelope, the due date for this bill. Always include enough time for delivery. If your rent is due on the 1st of the month, write the 26th on the envelope.

Go to work. Bring home cash.

You’ve figured out that you’re going to work 20 shifts this month. And your total expense each month is $2000. Therefore, you’re going to need to make $100 each shift to make your payments. Let’s break that down a little more.

Rent $700
Phone $100
Utilities $150
Food $120
Cigarettes $90
Car Payment $100
Car Insurance $70
Health Insurance $100
Savings $200
Clothes $70
Eating Out $100
Entertainment $200

Divide each of these numbers by 20 (the number of shifts you’ll work). That’s how much you’ll put in each envelope each day. For instance, in your car payment envelope, each shift you’ll put $20. By the end of the month, you’ll have all the money you need for that bill.

Obviously, you can’t send cash to many of the companies you owe money to, but you can deposit it into your bank and write a check. Or you can buy a money order to send the company. Just remember to keep your receipts.

Tomorrow… cutting expenses!