Star Light Ministries

There are some really tough things about being in sex work. The most overwhelming one is letting another person into your really private space. It’s opening up your heart and your soul and letting someone love you.

The whole you.

Here’s what that entails:

Telling someone about the work you do. Now, I get it. It’s not easy setting yourself up to be judged. And, yeah, judgment happens. So, be careful about it.

The first rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to not judge that person. For example, if there’s a person that you work with who opens up a little bit about her life, be open and accepting. Use accepting phrases, like, “That decision makes sense to me.” “I would probably do that, too.” Put yourself in his/her shoes, and really, really feel that you might do the same thing. If you can accept a person, the likelihood of that person accepting you is made much greater.

The second rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to open yourself up slowly. Give a little of yourself, instead of opening up all at once. If you find that you can open up a little, then slowly give a little more information. Honestly, this can take a long time. But if someone is trustworthy with the little things, they’re highly more likely to be trustworthy with the big things.

The third rule? How about finding someone who has had similar experiences? Perhaps someone a little further down the road on your path. If it’s sex work that you have a hard time opening up about, how about talking to the woman you knew from your club or agency who now works a different kind of job? You know you liked her, and you were sorry to see her leave. Call her up. Ask her to coffee.

When all else fails, find a professional. You should follow the same rules, but open up a bit quicker. We all tend to think that when we go see a therapist, the therapist is the expert. But the reality is that we are the experts on ourselves. Interview the therapist. Try a few questions, and make sure that you are okay with the answers. Questions like, “What are your views on sex work?” If you feel judgment (Trust your instinct. You know judgment when you feel it), tell the therapist, “I’m specifically looking for someone who can help me look at myself, my whole self, and accept it. I work in sex work. Will you be able to accept me and my work?” If the answer is an honest “No,” ask the therapist for a recommendation.

You’re in charge because it’s your life and it’s your money.

Sometimes you might get into a situation where you’re opening up, and you might find that you feel judged. In contrast to what I just said, this time, since you already feel like you can trust the person, ask a question. Say, “I am feeling judged. Are you judging me?”

I’d like to say that it’s an easy conversation to have, but it’s not.

Many times, when you are so used to being judged, you read judgment everywhere.

I was talking with a friend the other day about her work, and I made a weird face. I felt my friend backing away. We stopped talking about her work, and instead talked about our friendship. Was I judging her? No. I was reacting to my own discomfort and my own boundaries. But we needed that clarity before we could continue in the conversation.

Sometimes you will be in situations where you feel like people are judging you. One major factor to remember is it’s not all about you.

As fearful as you are that people may be judging you, we are all scared of people judging us. Sometimes what you feel as judgment, might be the insecurity of the person you are with.

Really, all I can say is this: Finding someone to accept the whole you is important.

You might be saying, “How do you know, Lia?”

Well, everyone needs someone to love and accept them. And not everyone can get it in a friend or co-worker. I got it from a therapist first. I remember, through the couple of years that I had a great therapist, asking her time and time again. “Am I crazy?” It was my way of saying to my counselor, “Am I an acceptable human being, even though I have this gross issue?” She would look at me, laugh sometimes, and say, “You’re not crazy, Lia. You’re normal.”

And so are you. Normal.