Star Light Ministries

There are some really tough things about being in sex work. The most overwhelming one is letting another person into your really private space. It’s opening up your heart and your soul and letting someone love you.

The whole you.

Here’s what that entails:

Telling someone about the work you do. Now, I get it. It’s not easy setting yourself up to be judged. And, yeah, judgment happens. So, be careful about it.

The first rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to not judge that person. For example, if there’s a person that you work with who opens up a little bit about her life, be open and accepting. Use accepting phrases, like, “That decision makes sense to me.” “I would probably do that, too.” Put yourself in his/her shoes, and really, really feel that you might do the same thing. If you can accept a person, the likelihood of that person accepting you is made much greater.

The second rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to open yourself up slowly. Give a little of yourself, instead of opening up all at once. If you find that you can open up a little, then slowly give a little more information. Honestly, this can take a long time. But if someone is trustworthy with the little things, they’re highly more likely to be trustworthy with the big things.

The third rule? How about finding someone who has had similar experiences? Perhaps someone a little further down the road on your path. If it’s sex work that you have a hard time opening up about, how about talking to the woman you knew from your club or agency who now works a different kind of job? You know you liked her, and you were sorry to see her leave. Call her up. Ask her to coffee.

When all else fails, find a professional. You should follow the same rules, but open up a bit quicker. We all tend to think that when we go see a therapist, the therapist is the expert. But the reality is that we are the experts on ourselves. Interview the therapist. Try a few questions, and make sure that you are okay with the answers. Questions like, “What are your views on sex work?” If you feel judgment (Trust your instinct. You know judgment when you feel it), tell the therapist, “I’m specifically looking for someone who can help me look at myself, my whole self, and accept it. I work in sex work. Will you be able to accept me and my work?” If the answer is an honest “No,” ask the therapist for a recommendation.

You’re in charge because it’s your life and it’s your money.

Sometimes you might get into a situation where you’re opening up, and you might find that you feel judged. In contrast to what I just said, this time, since you already feel like you can trust the person, ask a question. Say, “I am feeling judged. Are you judging me?”

I’d like to say that it’s an easy conversation to have, but it’s not.

Many times, when you are so used to being judged, you read judgment everywhere.

I was talking with a friend the other day about her work, and I made a weird face. I felt my friend backing away. We stopped talking about her work, and instead talked about our friendship. Was I judging her? No. I was reacting to my own discomfort and my own boundaries. But we needed that clarity before we could continue in the conversation.

Sometimes you will be in situations where you feel like people are judging you. One major factor to remember is it’s not all about you.

As fearful as you are that people may be judging you, we are all scared of people judging us. Sometimes what you feel as judgment, might be the insecurity of the person you are with.

Really, all I can say is this: Finding someone to accept the whole you is important.

You might be saying, “How do you know, Lia?”

Well, everyone needs someone to love and accept them. And not everyone can get it in a friend or co-worker. I got it from a therapist first. I remember, through the couple of years that I had a great therapist, asking her time and time again. “Am I crazy?” It was my way of saying to my counselor, “Am I an acceptable human being, even though I have this gross issue?” She would look at me, laugh sometimes, and say, “You’re not crazy, Lia. You’re normal.”

And so are you. Normal.

Aspasia over at La Libertine’s Salon has tagged me with the Six Random Things meme. The protocol that I should now follow, apparently, is six-fold:

1. Link to the person who tagged you. Check.
2. Post the rules on your blog. Check.
3. Write six random things about yourself. Check.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. Check.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog. Check.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up. Check.

So, here goes.

Six Random Things

1) I’m deathly allergic to shellfish. Although I had been having minor reactions for years, I went into anaphylactic shock when I was 27. Many people say, “I’d die if I couldn’t eat shellfish.” As much as I love shrimp gumbo, and fried shrimp, and boiled shrimp, and shrimp sushi, I still like breathing more.

2) I’m a control freak. But I’m a control freak who knows she is a control freak, so therefore, I can control it.

3) My latest finished craft project is what I call my trucker stole. It’s a long red stole with painted “mud flap” girls on it. I’d post a picture, but that would mean I’d have to get off the couch.

4) The movie I’ve cried the most at in my life was The Color Purple. The second is Out of Africa. But I sure did cry a lot yesterday in The Secret Life of Bees.

5) My favorite cake in the whole world is called Hummingbird Cake. It’s sorta like carrot cake, but not. It’s got pineapple bits and bananas, and cream cheese frosting. I just made one tonight. Yummy!

6) I love sex workers. I never met a sex worker I didn’t love. They are the smartest, funniest, most real and most courageous people I’ve ever met.

So, there it is.

Now’s time to tag some other folks. I’m hoping that they haven’t been tagged yet…

Amanda Brooks
Avalon Vigglioti
Grace Undressed
My Girlfriend is an Escort
Uncool
and
The Panther in Pumps.

Yeah, even after all these years, sometimes I still get that question.

Here’s LaLibertine’s interpretation, which is nearly the best I’ve seen. Quantifiable? Maybe not. But real? Absolutely.

Star Light Ministries:
I have to do a special shoutout to Lia here. Starlight Ministries is not specifically a sex worker rights organization dedicated to changing legislation. However, it does aim to help destigmatize sex work. Starlight Ministries is a Christian organization (yes, I know!) that primarily works with exotic dancers but all sex workers are genuinely welcomed with open arms. There is no patronizing or condescending here. No, “Well, God would love you if only you got out of sex work!” It’s more, “God loves you” period. Let’s face it, for many sex workers, that little statement would make ALL the difference in the world. I won’t lie, I do not like the Christian Church at all for many reasons. However, Lia and her ministry practice what that whole “Love thy neighbor as thyself” thing is supposed to be. Truly.

LaLibertine has written one of the best posts I’ve seen about the Sex Worker Movement. And yeah, it is a movement. If you really want to understand, go read it. Please, go read it.

So I wrote a post about a book not long ago, Eat, Pray, Love, and put a photo of the book on the blog. Now two different people have taken that photo, which links back to Star Light, and placed it on their blog.

Hmmmm. Should I tell them that they’re sending me traffic?

I posted a few days ago about feeling like there are too many choices and not knowing which one to pick. There’s a really effective help with this, called the Informational Interview.

Find 5 people whose jobs you love and think you might be happy doing. Call them up, tell them you’re trying to decide what your next job will be, and ask them if you can take 15 minutes of their time, in person, to talk to them about their job.

Here’s what you ask:

1) What are the strengths needed for this position?
2) What are the best parts of your job?
3) What are the worst parts of your job?
4) If you were looking to replace yourself, what would you look for?
5) If someone wanted to get into your line of work, what would you suggest their steps be?

Honestly, if you ask someone these questions, the interview will take longer than 15 minutes. But at the 15 minute point, stop the interview and say, “I want to respect your time, and this is going to take longer than I thought. Can we continue?”

People love to talk about themselves and their jobs, so they’ll probably want to continue.

If you ask all the questions, you should have an idea if the job would be a good fit for you. And you should have an idea of what your next steps should be to get into this line of work. Plus, you’ve made a great contact!

It’s win-win.

I performed a wedding yesterday. The wedding was on a Potomac River cruise, and this is the license plate that was on the limo that took us to the cruise. Oh, my!

I hear it over and over again. Young people (age 25-30) not knowing what they want to be “when they grow up.”

But what I’ve found is that it’s not really about not having any choices. It’s really about not knowing which career to choose. And a deep abiding fear that they may choose the WRONG thing.

There are a few things you can do if you’re feeling stuck with too many choices:

1. Get to know yourself a little better. Try a couple of personality tests and see which professions are recommended. Read the Strengthsfinder books and website, and see what your strengths are. Remember, the closer the match to your personality and strengths, the more likely you are to be happy in the field.

2. Enlist help. Coaches abound right now, find a good one for you. Ask your friends who have jobs you admire, “What would I be good at?” Ask your friends and family to think about your strengths and tell you how they think you’d excel.

3. Remember that you can always change your mind. Say you pick a path and 3 months or 3 years later, you decide that it’s not the path for you… you can always change your mind. And every experience that you have in the work force will offer you opportunities for transferable skills. Started out in Human Resources, but find that you really hate the people and want to sit in your cubicle all by yourself? Guess what! You have access to all the jobs! Look and see what would fit your need to have more alone time.

4. People have, on average, at least 3 or 4 careers in their lifetimes. That’s not 3 or 4 jobs, but 3 or 4 careers! Even if you do find the perfect fit for right now, it probably won’t fit you forever. Remember that it’s okay to change, on down the line.

There’s really only one solution to feeling stuck with too many choices. Pick one! Give yourself some space to make mistakes, but recognize that all you can do is the research and getting the help you need, then choose!

You’ll be happier for it.

This is great.

via The Hooker Chronicles

Okay, I know. I’m not supposed to want to “help” sex workers.

But I do.

And while Laura Agustin’s post is about workers in Thailand, and I work with a different population, U.S. sex workers, Laura’s post worried me a bit. I thought, “Maybe I should resign and offer my position to a sex worker, one who can more confidently understand what sex workers go through, one who can identify more strongly with the population, one who can speak for sex workers, instead of about them.”

But there’s a few fundamental flaws with thinking that only sex workers can speak for sex workers. First, there’s access. I preach from the pulpits of churches around the U.S. These same pulpits would not be open to a sex worker. I speak to many groups who would ignore, discount, and yes, even vilify a sex worker who came to speak. But because the message comes from a minister, who has listened (and listened deeply) to the stories of sex workers, church members can hear it, and begin to let go of their prejudices.

Second, there’s safety. Is it safe for a sex worker to come out as a sex worker? Sometimes, it’s not. For escorts and others with direct sexual contact with clients, they can face legal ramifications of speaking out. That’s a criminal record, fines, and even jail time. For those working in legal sex work, “coming out” can mean having trouble getting jobs, credit, and alienation from their friends and families.

Third, there’s diversity in the voices of sex workers. We all know that sex work is not monolithic, that each woman’s experience is different. One voice speaking FOR sex workers doesn’t work. Ever. But the more voices, the better.

Laura writes:

I might add that the whole idea of material intended to ‘train’ helpers in how to treat sex workers - or anyone else - is patronising, as though they were not human beings or needed some special psychology or sensitivity.

I totally disagree. In all actuality, the training is and should be patronizing. Because people who have never worked in sex work SHOULD KNOW BETTER! But how many times have sex workers visited physicians, social workers, psychologists, and pastors (among a variety of other professionals) who don’t get that sex work is WORK, who make assumptions about the people in sex work that, well, just aren’t true, who judge the sex workers? Professionals of all types need to be reminded that individuals in sex work are human. So, if we must patronize them (the “helpers”, that is) in order to remind them that the people they are “helping” are humans, with the same human needs of everyone else, then patronize away.

I know that Laura was saying that training would be patronizing to the sex workers. It should be quite the opposite. Patronize the “helpers.” Help them understand that sex workers aren’t “other.”

Sex workers need advocates that have access, understanding, and are safe enough to tell their stories. I do agree with Laura that those advocates should be following directives of the sex workers, rather than what they think will “help.” Star Light has committed, this year, to doubling the size of our Board of Directors to include more sex workers—in fact, our goal is that half the Board be sex workers. Sex workers should set the agenda, give guidance for how we offer help, and even provide services. But we as advocates can go where they cannot go, speak when they cannot speak, and support when they cannot stand alone.

It’s for sex workers.
It’s by sex workers.
And it’s of sex workers.

I always wonder why “gratefullness” is not a word, then I remember, “Oh! It’s gratitude!”

On a bad day, it’s always good to remember what you’re grateful for. So I’m taking a deep breath, and writing 15 things for which I’m grateful.

1. Loving parents.
2. Great friends (I may get more specific).
3. An amazing church, Richmond Mennonite Fellowship. They really GET it.
4. Star Light Ministries, and all the people who make it what it is.
5. Shelter.
6. My car, and the fact that it’s paid off!
7. The price of gas has gone down.
8. I’m going to see my friend Sohini next Monday.
9. My friend Jack and his amazing art work.
10. The friends I’ve made on the internet (not talking about dating sites here!).
11. Laughter, and lots of it.
12. New friends.
13. My best friends, Todd and Kelly.
14. My godchildren.
15. My brain.

Wow. When I started, I thought it’d be hard to make it to 15. Instead, I don’t want to stop.

I found a prayer in Gates of Prayer: The New Union Prayer Book, the prayer book used by many reform synagogues. Here it is:

There are many who say: “O that we might see some good! Bestow Your favor upon us, O Eternal One!” And yet You have put joy in my heart, more than others have when their grain and their wine abound. In peace I will both ie down and sleep, for You alone, Lord, make me live unafraid.

May it ever be.