Star Light Ministries

As promised, I will now offer my blog picks for the wonderful award that Grace Undressed awarded. I have to say, that following this award around, most of my favorite blogs have been named, so if you’re receiving this for the second time, forgive my tardiness. I would have liked to have been the first!

Pretty Dumb Things
Although this looks as if it might be a posthumous award, I have to say that I have really enjoyed reading Chelsea’s blog. It might be her shared addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and her general love of all things Joss Whedon, but reading Chelsea is like reading your best girlfriend’s diary.

The Panther in Pumps
The Panther is an amazing writer. The ways she shares her struggles, her pain, her fears, well, it’s just plain amazing. The Panther reminds me of a lesson I learned when I performed my first funeral. Before we walked over to the big, gaping hole with the casket suspended above it, the funeral director (who knew it was my first funeral) leaned in and said, “Be really careful as you’re standing next to the casket. Stay on the wooden planks that skirt the grave.” She went on to tell me about a pastor who didn’t listen to that advice. The ground above the hole gave out, and in a mini-landslide, he slid into the hole, under the casket. They had to pull the casket off, help him out, and then he just went on and performed the service. Stand carefully around the hole of pain that The Panther describes. You might just fall in.

Journey Mama
And now for something completely different, there’s Journey Mama. Rhea is committed to community, trying to follow God, all while raising three (soon to be four) beautiful children, in the wilds of India. Her honesty about her journey with God is what really gets me. It takes a lot of courage to admit that a walk with God is really difficult, scary, and sometimes really, really frustrating.

Beauty Tips for Ministers
I can’t wear stripper shoes in the pulpit, much as I would like to. In fact, visible toes are not appropriate in the pulpit. But does that mean that I have to wear chunky, ugly loafers or, for heaven’s sake, close-toed Burks? Beauty Tips for Ministers is like What Not to Wear for those of us who are in the pulpit most Sundays. There’s all kinds of tips—don’t wear Hawaiian shirts, only wear skivvies under your preaching robe, hints on makeup, shoes, and lots of plain fun.

There are so many more blogs that I would like to highlight, but space won’t permit. I’d like to send out honorable mention to some friends whose blogs I like (knowing bloggers makes their writing even better!): Avalon of Arizona, Dacia Ray, Caroline Armijo (art and city living!), and Renegade Evolution. And here’s some blogs that I love that don’t update: Stripaholic, Ex-Millennial Girl, and The Honeyed West.

In strip clubs I see it all the time. There’s a sort of look that comes over women’s face when they discuss other women. They say things like, “At least I’m not like her. She does ‘extras.’”

Audacia Ray, at Waking Vixen, posted on this. She says:

Whether you work in the sex industry or not, saying that you would never ever do a particular sex act (or act of sexual commerce) while wrinkling your nose to show your disapproval is just plain old not awesome. Feeling that way is fine (I do, about plenty of things), but expressing it in a way that makes other people feel like you think they are despicable - not so good. Personal boundaries with sexuality are highly personal, and there’s no denying that the squick factor exists, but its important to respect people’s choices and predilections.

Audacia makes the point that it’s classism and elitism. I believe it’s the “I’m better than you-ism.” It is that which fosters racism, sexism, and all the other -isms you can remember.

It comes from an internal feeling of our own un-worth. We get a little feeling of superiority that makes us feel better about ourselves. “At least I’m not like them. When we feel really good about ourselves, we don’t need to put anyone else down in order to feel okay.

If you find yourself thinking, “at least I’m not like her,” I’d like for you to think to yourself, “I am enough, I am amazing, I am wonderful.” And when you really begin to believe it, you’ll find yourself thinking, about her, “She is enough, she is wonderful, and she is amazing.” Come on! Try it!

There’s a financial reason that women who are exotic dancers look disparagingly upon other women that do “extras,” though. It’s the recognition that if there’s a woman doing “extras” in the club, then the clients are going to expect that all the dancers do the same thing. Move the boundaries for one, and the expectations are different for the clients. But in a club, you can be very clear about your boundaries, and find the particular client that is only looking for what you’re willing to do. You just have to use your intuition and be clear with your clients what they can expect from you. Have your boundaries and respect the boundaries of others.

Avalon from Arizona talks about this a lot. Check out her blog.

I am sitting here getting ready for a Board meeting for Star Light. I want to take all the lessons I’ve learned from sex work bloggers and from the Desiree Alliance’s conference, Pulling Back the Sheets, back to my Board, as a much needed guide for our work.

Will you please answer these questions, and pass them on to anyone who you think would like a voice in our work? If you have a blog where you would like to post the questions, please feel free, and please feel free to send folks my email address (or publish it) to answer them. You can email me the answers or post them in the comments.

For those of you who don’t know, Star Light shares unconditional love and friendship with women who are exotic dancers so they will not forget they are also loved and valued by God. We help them build supportive communities and find resources for successful living.

1) What do you think are the most pressing issues for people in sex work? In what way could Star Light help meet those needs?

2) Our Mission Statement says, “build supportive communities and find resources for successful living.” What would a supportive community feel like to you? What are some resources you can identify that would make you more successful in your goals?

3) What response do you expect to get, given your work, from people who are from “the Church?” How would you like for that to change?

4) How do you, today, get your spiritual needs met? Do you feel like this is a need for you? Can you imagine a place where you might feel free to get those needs met? What would be some ways that those needs could get met?

5) What would you recommend that Star Light’s Board read in order to understand your experience? Shorter is better, and blog posts would be great. I’d like to compile a little reading list for them, so please point me to one of your posts (or one of you favorite blogger’s posts) that best explains your life and work.

All answers and respondees will be given complete anonymity (unless, of course, you post your answers on the blog!). My real purpose is to find guiding principles for Star Light.

Thank you so much for answering these! I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all the experiences I had at the Desiree Alliance, and for this amazing community of folks in sex work.

Lia

So, I can’t decide what to post on next. There’s too many thoughts running through my head. So I thought I’d just list out all the things I have to post about, and decide later.

One person said, at the conference, “I know I’ll get arrested sooner or later. My biggest hope is that I don’t have to have sex with the cop before he arrests me.” What does this say about our legal system?

A wonderful blogger, Grace, who posts here, gave me a beautiful award. And an amazing compliment. She wrote:




Star Light Ministries. Among strippers I know, the mere mention of a “Christian outreach organization targeting exotic dancers” is enough to make us shit and run. The last thing I want when I’m naked and tired is to be judged by a fully clothed person waving a heavy-looking book. Lia Scholl of Star Light Ministries is a whole different breed, however. Her ministry emphasizes understanding and acceptance of exotic dancers as they are, an approach that demands at least as much change and growth from missionaries as it does from the natives Her post on “How to Pray for Women Who Are Exotic Dancers” is how I’d like to be prayed for by anyone who is thataway inclined. In fact, if you want to celebrate my birthday with me, maybe you could make a donation here to support her outreach efforts.

OMG, I’m so honored. In the words of the Oscar winning Sally Fields, “You like me! You really like me!” I’ll be passing the award on… just let me get through the list!

Then I want to write a post on the absence of non-experiential sex worker allies at the Desiree Alliance. I’m struck by two things: the ones that were there were amazing, including Rene Ross from Nova Scotia, and that some of the complaints about allies were really valid. For every Captain Save-A-Ho who tries to work with sex workers, I say, please, please be careful about your language about who the people in sex work are. Every time you use the phrase, “sexually abused as children” you TAKE AWAY their agency. Sure, it’s a great way to get donors to give to your cause, but it also says, “It’s not a choice!” It makes sex workers seem incapable of making their own decisions, of determining their future. And if you think they cannot determine their own future, you haven’t talked to enough of them!

Then I want to write about an idea I have for a sex work alumni association. Wouldn’t that be cool? So, you made the transition out of sex work, help some of those who are ready to transition out. Be a mentor. Teach your lessons. Own up to your past, and be a voice!

Then I want to write a post about Early to Bed, an adult toy store in Chicago that I visited. That post will be entitled, “I thought it would be bigger.”

Then I’d like to write a post about all the amazing people I met. I know I’ve already mentioned a few of them, but I’d like for you, my dear readers, to know them and to love them like I do.

All in good time. It was, as I said, a wonderful conference. It was chocked full of educational experiences, opportunities for me to get rid of some of my prejudices, and just utterly mind-blowing.

I like Ruth Fowler. I enjoy reading her blog. She turns a pretty phrase. I may not always like her content (sometimes I find my self saying, “Too much information! Too much information!”) I think that’s just because I worry…

It’s a funny thing, this internet. I find myself invested in people’s lives, the writers of the blogs I read. There’s Ruth, Dacia Ray, Amanda Brooks, The Panther in Pumps (this site is currently down). I love these women for the stories they have told, the tears they’ve shed, the laughter they’ve brought to my life. I even love the fact that sometimes I have to cover my eyes and navigate off their pages really quick.

And then something happens. You meet them (Hey, Dacia and Amanda!), or you read something by them, and you just want to say, “I never knew you!” It’s a pleasant surprise, you learn wonderful things about them, you learn that they have a whole life outside the internet. And it’s good.

I read Ruth’s book, No Man’s Land, feeling the same surprise. I think it is a beautifully written book. Ruth Fowler really knows how to turn a phrase. She is poetic in prose. She builds a wonderful picture of words.

But it’s not a pretty picture. I felt her life in the club was filled with darkness. If Mimi, Ruth’s stage persona, is not feeling pain in the book, she’s busy numbing herself to not feel pain. The book filled me with sorrow.

Others have been disappointed with the book. Hobo Stripper (another amazing blogger) wrote,

“All the way through the book she has drunken horrible experience after drugged up horrible experience, explaining it all with the great WE. You see, WE strippers can’t strip sober. That’s why WE all have such horrible experiences. Lucky for her, a year or so after she descends into our underworld, Ruth gets a book deal and quickly ascends away from us (only to reappear in a book dictating our experiences and g chats asking about strip clubs in Alaska).”

I don’t think that Ruth Fowler’s experience every person’s experience in stripping. There are dancers out there who are thrilled to go to work, thrilled to make the money they make, grateful for the experience.

And there are others who have to heal from it, because it hurts and they need to numb the pain.

The voices are not monolithic. They are varied, and we need to hear each voice, because when we listen to each voice, we have a better idea about the true experience of sex work.

So, to the beautiful women bloggers out there, and to Ruth Fowler, I say, “Shine On.”

If you know me well, you know that I very rarely have trouble sleeping. I used to be able to sleep anywhere, and that has changed some. I can’t sleep in cars, on planes, on the Metro. But I can usually sleep in any bed, at any time. I can nap in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the night, I hit the pillow and I’m out.

But I haven’t slept well on this trip.

I’m not sure why this conference has exhausted me and made me sleepless at the same time. Perhaps it’s my own discomfort at being “in” but not “in” at the conference. Maybe it’s the heat here in Chicago (although today is nice and cool). Perhaps it’s this niggling word “privilege” that’s keeping me up.

Yeah, I think that’s probably it.

The Desiree Alliance conference is really about creating a Voice for sex workers, a politically active unified Voice that can work to decriminalize prostitution and change the stigma attached to whoredom. There’s only one problem.

Most of the voices at the conference are surprisingly un-diverse. Sure, it’s diverse for the rest of us (what I wouldn’t give to pastor a church with as many colors, sexual preferences and genders as this community). But the diversity that they are missing surrounds one issue: privilege.

The majority of the speakers and attendees at the Desiree Alliance have college degrees. They also have agency (or empowerment, whichever word you prefer). They can leave their work for nearly a week (or bring it with them), they aren’t pimped, they have time to be activists. They aren’t having commercial sex for Survival.

(I know, I know, I’m capitalizing words that shouldn’t be capitalized. It’s for emphasis!)

For every sex worker laboring to pay for his or her internet connectivity, to buy fabulous shoes and lingerie, to have a nice evening out, to pay for graduate school, to avoid working in an office, I can’t help but wonder, how many sex workers are out there trying to pay for shoes for their children, a meal for the table today, a needed fix, a place to stay tonight.

I’m no sociologist. I don’t know the numbers.

But it breaks my heart.

Yay for empowerment of sex workers. But it must be empowerment for ALL sex workers.

Only then should we be able to sleep.

I’ve had two days of the Desiree Alliance conference, Pulling Back the Sheets: Sex, Work and Social Justice. It has been remarkable, exhausting, and difficult. Some of the break out sessions have been trivial, some of them have been life and ministry changing. I’m still wading through all the information, and hope to bring some of it back to this blog.

During one session, we got into small groups, broken into somewhat random categories. I ended up in a group called “Spiritual Sex Workers.” Well, I am spiritual…

The most significant questioning of this group to me was when we answered, “What would you like our allies to know?” Here are the answers:

Sex work is a personal decision, and shouldn’t be judged.
It’s not necessary to have been a sex worker to be supportive.
You can’t change anyone’s mind.
We can raise consciousness by combining our energies.
We are torn within ourselves, but non-judgment helps us to not be so torn.
There are a lot of differences and diversity in sex work.
Some of the work we do can be legitimate ways of healing, including, but not limited to physical therapy, healing emotional trauma.
The work we do can be full of beauty.
Spirituality is not the same thing as religion.

Over and over again, the message was clear: if you want to support a person who is a sex worker, don’t judge.

There’s one other thing. Amber Rhea, a blogger who is a Star Light reader was supposed to be at the conference today. I looked all over for her. I came in this evening and read her blog and found that she had to leave early because her father died. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

More soon. Gotta rest. And eat. And recover.

I’m psyched! I’m going to Chicago to attend the Desiree Alliance’s “Pulling Back the Sheets: Sex, Work and Social Justice” Conference from July 16-20. There are some amazing people attending: Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort’s Handbook; Rachel Aimee, Co-founder and Editor-in-Chief of $pread Magazine; Audacia Ray, author, blogger, producer and director; and some great organizations, SWANK, SWOP, SWOPEast, and HIPS.

Whoo-hoo!

The only thing is… will I know anyone there? Let me know if you’re attending the big event!

As promised, I’m blogging about about Career Transitions. With the economy, well, frankly, in the toilet, sex work in general is suffering. People are finding that they have fewer dollars to spend on entertainment, and there’s a noticeable difference in strip clubs. Many dancers who blog are noticing that they aren’t making as much money. And many are seeing an influx of new dancers, more dancers, working each shift. Fewer customers and more dancers. You do the math.

That’s not to say that all dancers are making less money, but many of you are reporting that you have to work a bit harder for it, work a couple more shifts a week, sell a little harder.

You may not be thinking about career transitions right now. I want to be very clear here that if you’re not thinking about transitioning, more power to you! I’m writing this series of posts because so many people come to me about wanting to get out. Feel free to skip right over this series!

However, you may be contemplating a career transition. You may be thinking about thinking about changing your career. Of course, you’re not ready to take action on it, but you’re thinking about it.

So here are some steps to take as you contemplating change:

Remember that the choice is yours. No one is forcing, encouraging, or even expecting you to change your career. You are in control of your life and your decisions.

Consider the pros and cons of making a career transition. What are the things that you love about your job? What are the things that you hate? What would you be excited about in changing your career? What would you dread? Start a new notebook to keep your thoughts in about changing and just go ahead and start a pro/con list. You will come back to it, and you can edit it regularly.

You may notice that you’re feeling quite ambivalent about any changes. You can find yourself thinking, “I want to change careers, but I don’t want to change careers.” That’s totally normal. And that’s exactly why we’re not making any decisions right now.

One other area to think about it this: where are some areas in you life that you can exercise some more control? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Exercising, eating right, sleeping enough? Are you making enough money right now? Work on your sales techniques. If you’re not already reading Avalon’s blog, spend some time perusing there to find out some tips on making more money in your club. Now is a good time to work on those things. When we feel strong and successful, we find that we can make decisions from a place of strength instead of from fear or weakness.

If you’d like any other information about “thinking about thinking about” transitions, feel free to get in touch. I’d welcome input and I’m happy to answer questions.