Star Light Ministries

December 25, 2007

This year has been a wonderful one, and I am grateful to all of you for all your support, love and care this year. Over and over this year I have been amazed and humbled by Star Light’s volunteers and supporters. Thank you for caring about the women in the United States who are exotic dancers, and for caring about their children, their parents, their friends. Thank you for loving them.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and a wonderful and peaceful New Year.

December 21, 2007

Tell Me More, the NPR show hosted by Michel Martin interviewed me, and the show is airing today. You can see it right here!

I hope you’ll check it out!

December 20, 2007

I visited a club with a team recently. We took a silver Christmas tree, with built in lights, and ornaments in silver and hot pink (of course!). This particular club is run by the owner, and he’s nearly always there, and nearly always unhappy with the employees. But he wasn’t there when we delivered the tree. One employee tried to reach the owner to see if we could put the tree up. All the employees looked at me when I asked if I could put the tree up–I could tell that no one wanted to be the one to give permission.

In fact, one woman said, “Do what you want to do, but I didn’t say it was okay.”

So me and the other team member decided that we would just put it up. You know, it’s always easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. We figured that if the owner didn’t like it, he could always just throw it out in the dumpster out back.

We picked a corner in the bar, found a plug to make it light up, put the ornaments on it. It looked like it was made for this club, since the decor has a heavy emphasis on pink neon and mirrors. When we finished, we heard many of the dancers exclaim, “It’s so cute!”

The team returned to the club a week later, with Christmas cookies and candies. The tree was still in the corner where we had placed it. In fact, one of the employees told us that the owner said, “That’s really nice,” when he saw it. He then asked who had put it up. “Those Star Light girls,” the employees said.

“Oh,” said the owner. “Those Jesus-freaks really creep me out.”

December 19, 2007

After reading this article, about the daughter of a Filapino prostitute and an African-American service man, I am struck by the lesson.

Given the toughest of circumstances and many tough decisions to make, Sheila decides to pursue education rather than prostitution. In a place and a time where it would be easier to just give in, to become like her mother, Sheila works hard to make something of her life that is different from her mother’s. She chooses to believe in her own strength, rather than, like her mother, hope that someone will come take her away to paradise, the United States.

Here’s the lesson:

The writer asked Sheila, “Who’s to blame? Who should you forgive?”

“Nobody,” says Sheila immediately. “The situation is terrible for everybody.”

Isn’t there there an underlying truth here, that forgiveness is not always the best thing, instead compassion is? How much more valuable is compassion than forgiveness?

Forgiveness says, “I’m better than you are in this instance.”
Compassion says, “We’re all in this together.”

Forgiveness says, “Don’t let it happen again.”
Compassion says, “I understand why this happened.”

Forgiveness says, “This is all your fault.”
Compassion says, “This is just the way things are, we’ll work together.”

May we be filled with compassion rather than forgiveness this season.

December 18, 2007

I didn’t know her, but her life informed my life as much as anyone ever has. All the news reports said she was an exotic dancer, and they flashed a stock photo of a strip club on the screen. The weekend report asked people to look for her. The next weekend reports showed her former boyfriend and security guard being taken into police custody. Then the morning news reported that they had found her body, next to the wicker footlocker that her killer had carried her body in, buried in a shallow grave.

The news reports left a lot out–they didn’t say how open-hearted she was. They didn’t mention how she was hoping to get into real estate. They didn’t mention her friends, how much she liked to laugh, how she could make you feel like you were the only person in the room when she was with you.

The news reports were also wrong. They implied that she worked at a club, but an internet search showed that she was a private dancer.

When I heard about her, I decided to visit the club where she had worked, mistakenly still thinking that she was working at a club. I prepared Easter baskets with sweets and stuffed animals, and notes of “Thinking of You.” I discovered that she wasn’t working in a club, so I ditched the condolence cards and randomly picked a club to visit. The friend that I visited with asked, “Will you mention her to the bouncer at the door?” “No,” I responded, “no need. They don’t know her.”

But I did mention her to the goomba bouncer who was standing at the door. I told him that I was visiting in memory of her. He paused, looked me square in the eyes, with a tear forming in his left one, and said, “She worked here until six months ago.”

In memory of Emily Cagal, March 2005.

December 17, 2007

This link was suggested to me by a friend, from the magazine The Economist.

Here’s the end of the article:

The results support the idea that if evolution has favoured concealed ovulation in women, it has also favoured ovulation-detection in men. The average earnings per shift of women who were ovulating was $335. During menstruation (when they were infertile) that dropped to $185—about what women on the Pill made throughout the month. The lessons are clear. A woman is sexier when she is most fertile. And if she wishes to earn a good living as a dancer, she should stay off the Pill.

Ugh! I just read this an winced. While it may be true that a dancer would make more money, is that cost offset by the cost of 1) unwanted pregnancy, 2) days out of work because of menstrual pain, or 3) bad skin that comes from unregulated cycles? I’d really like to see a study on that…

December 13

Join Star Light on December 17th, along with the Sex Workers Outreach Project, in fighting violence against sex workers. I cannot help but remember Emily Cagal, an exotic dancer in the DC Metro area who was killed in 2005. This should NEVER HAPPEN!

In Richmond, Virginia, Star Light folks will be hosting a Prayer Vigil at the Richmond Mennonite Fellowship at 7612 Wanymala Rd (in the white house), at 6:00 p.m. Erin Spengeman, one of our Star Light team members will be leading the vigil. For those of you who are interested, I will try to post the worship order, so you can follow along at home, or lead your own!

Here’s the order: prayer-vigil.pdf

December 13, 2007

There are times in your life when everything changes. Something you don’t expect.

Sometimes it is the unexpected death of a friend, family member or spouse. Sometimes it is the turn for the worse of a friend who has been fighting an illness. Sometimes it is the loss of a job. Sometimes it is the end of a relationship. And in those times, we wonder what we should do. Do we cry? Of course. Do we fight? Of course. Do we accept? Eventually.

Sometimes those changes happen in happy ways, too. It can be a new job that takes us on a new course. It can be the start of a new relationship. Finding love. Finding peace. Finding hope.

My mother used to say, “You wake up in a new world every day.” And that’s exactly what these times feel like–waking up in a new world.

I spent time today with a very dear friend who is going through a tough time. He’s has woken up in a new world, and he’s not really sure he wants to be there. But here’s the thing… He’s handling it with such grace, such strength, such candor and such an amazing sense of SELF, that I am really, really amazed by him. He’s doing all the right things–talking to people, acting sad when he’s sad, and really taking care of himself.

May we all be so full of grace.

I’m a knitter. I love to knit. I especially love designing my own things, because I hate following a pattern. However, I saw this really cute piece that I’d like to make for a friend. I bought the yarn, and started knitting it.

And then I had to start knitting it all over again. Now, I sew, too, and the second time I have to rip stitches on an item I’m sewing is when the craft project is over. Rip–no. Throw it away. It’s just a thing.

However, when I knit, I very often have to start over. So I’ve actually had to pull all the stitches FIVE TIMES with this piece. And I’ve gotten pretty far into it, but today, I’m starting over.

Starting over is not my favorite thing. But I’ll do it, because it’s an exercise in patience. And patience is really something I need right now. So I’m starting over. Again. And hoping it’s not an exercise in futility!

December 7, 2007

You know, Dr. Phil (I know! I know! I shouldn’t quote Dr. Phil!) says that we teach people how to treat us. I think that it’s true. I think we teach people how to treat us.

However, the opposite it true, too. How people think we are is often how we become.

It’s a thought process that goes like this:

You think I’m a slut. Therefore, I am going to become a slut. You think that I’m a troublemaker. I’ll make trouble. You think I’m cheating on you. I’ll cheat on you.

It happens all the time, especially in the lives of the women I know who are dancers. They aren’t sluts. But someone (a client, a parent, a boyfriend, society) thinks that they are, so they think, “Well, everyone assumes I am, I may as well.”

But here’s the thing, folks. The basic assumption is wrong. The basic assumption is that people either are one thing or they aren’t one thing. We’re all a mix-up of crazy and sane, of slut and priss, of profane and holy. And neither of these things defines us. None of them are WHO we are, they are how we act. It is the basic difference between being and doing.

We are not defined by what we do. We are defined by who we are. And we have the opportunity to make choices. When we allow someone to define us, and begin to act accordingly, we allow someone to take away our choices. Every day in every way, we have the right to choose what we do. We have the opportunity every day to choose our actions. Don’t let anyone else’s presuppositions about you take away that choice.