Star Light Ministries

What does it really mean when a person asks, “Isn’t it true that most people in sex work have been sexually abused?”

I’ve posted on this before, but it is the most annoying question I get in my professional life.

There’s a supposition in that statement that one distinct event affects our life decisions. That statement is, at best, a narrow way of looking at our life choices. Ask anyone why they chose their life’s work. “Teacher, why did you choose to be a teacher?” She may answer, “Well, I chose teaching because I wanted to spend more time with my children (one event, having children, determined career choice).” But the teacher will inevitably answer further, “and I really love the way children’s eyes light up when they get a concept. And I really want to make a difference in the world. Plus, I had a great teacher in the 3rd grade, who really challenged me and changed my life.”

See? Our career choices are not determined by one event in our lives. That first example could even be based in a hurtful, bad event. I imagine that one teacher could respond, “I had a really terrible teacher in the 3rd grade who left me feeling degraded and humiliated. I thought I could do better than her.” Hence, a teacher is redeeming a bad experience through offering a better experience.

And yes, that teacher could make their career choice and not understand ALL the aspects of her choice. The memory of the 3rd grade teacher may not reappear until much later, when the teacher has an epiphany, “Oh! I’m doing this because of my 3rd grade teacher (whether a good experience or bad).”

All of our decisions come out of our experience, whether good or bad.

I chose to work with sex workers because of my determination that the church had it wrong when it came to sex workers, and really, the church has it wrong when you’re dealing with anyone who is perceived to be “outside the norm.” I also chose to work with sex workers because I was really sick of feeling marginalized by the men where I went to seminary, which didn’t become clear to me until much later. And working with sex workers has helped me work through that anger (again, redemption), to understanding and acceptance. I chose working with sex workers for other reasons, too. I like to control my own work. I like building relationships with people. I totally dig the women I’ve met—their strength, their beauty, their passion. I’ve met some of the most brilliant people. I’m convinced that Jesus would do this same sort of work, he would look at the people I work with and say, “Ya’ll are my friends.” (Of course, Jesus would say ya’ll.)

I’ve met sex workers who were sexually abused, and their career choice helped redeem those bad things that happened to them. For one friend who was abused by a teen kid up the street, stripping gave HER the option of WHEN to take her clothes off. Stripping gave her back control of her body. But really, it wasn’t the only reason she was there. She was there to make money, to have flexible hours, to have fun. There’s no ONE reason why she stripped.

But there’s a deeper assumption in that original question, “Isn’t it true that most people in sex work have been sexually abused?” There’s a judgment about sex work, that sex work is evil. Sex work isn’t evil. It’s work. It’s hard work, too. Sure, there are downsides to it, but really, who doesn’t have downsides in their work? If it was all fun, they wouldn’t call it work, they’d call it play.

The energy that is sucked up by our judging one another could be so much better expended by taking care of one another, learning from one another, listening to one another, and well, loving one another.

The Ex-Courtesan in Transition wrote this yesterday, and I really like it:

I wish all these powerful, intelligent, articulate women would funnel all their passion into action, rather than egotistical sqabbling. I keep wondering what could be accomplished if all that angry, negative angry was transmuted into positive, creative energy, then acted upon in ways that benefitted women and the world in tangible ways.

Amen, and amen.

Sometimes the four walls of my room seem to hold me rather than shelter me. My independence swallows me rather than liberates me. My many opportunities for change seem to mock me, leaving
me complacent, and perhaps with too many choices.

I’ve noticed over the last few days that many people in sex work feel the same way. While it’s always easy to just point to one or two reasons for this feeling, it’s probably not accurate to do so. Just as it’s not really accurate to say that my loneliness could be alleviated by being in a group of people. It may be true, but it’s not fully accurate.

But these are the feelings and explanations for the feelings in sex work that I’ve heard over the last few weeks:

Isolation

Judgment
Fear of judgment
Lack of things in common with people who aren’t in sex work or don’t understand it
Fear of being outed
Not wanting to lie or be untrue in order to make new friends

Loneliness

Working nights when everyone else is working days
Wanting to avoid the drama of other people
Partners and friends who “can’t handle it” or bring up sex work during arguments
Different interests than those you are working with

Inertia

The amount of energy it takes to “recover” from a couple of shifts
Sleeping late
Hangovers
Lack of money

There’s always a multiplicity of explanations. Just as there is a multiplicity of solutions.

Gotta go… I’m looking for solutions today.

Here is a poem from the book Working Sex: Sex Workers Write About a Changing Industry, edited by Annie Oakley.

degrade

degradation
is not trading sex for money
but it is exchange
of social security number for food
degradation
is not stripping away minidress
but it is not having curtain
covering me in a public shower
degradation
is not faking orgasms on the phone
but it is faking compliance
with the court order
degradation
is not even being raped on the street
but it is the doctor asking me
“why does it bother you if you fuck
strangers anyway?”

~Emi Koyama

It reminds me, once again, of the pressing need to make our world a more just place for all people.

March 5, 2008

There has recently been a lot of discussion, in communities where I belong, about whether or not Star Light proselytizes. We are very assuredly a faith-based organization. But proselytizing? Read on.

I am a Christian. Some days I hate that word, though. One friend calls himself a Christ-follower instead of Christian, to delineate between him and “those” Christians. But most days this just feels like a cop-out. I have to admit that I really like God, I really believe in the Trinity. And most days, I feel like it is a good thing.

I don’t like exclusivism. I don’t, in any way shape or form, like the “us vs. them” attitude that is espoused by the religious right. I cringe every time I hear Christians say, “We’re persecuted,” in that whiny voice that you can hear in your head. Poor, pitiful Christians.

I believe that religion is inexorably twisted up with culture. And I believe that something bigger transcends culture. And I use certain words to explain that something bigger (God). Your words may be different. I’ve heard many different words, including, but not limited to love, Allah, Spirit, Tao, Lord, One, Shakti, Uperwal, Bhagwan, Father/Mother, the Good, the list could go on and on. Sometimes intellect can even the greater thing.

I believe that religion has caused more problems than it has solved, but that God would have us love one another. That’s about it.

I have had many wonderful experiences across faiths. One of my dearest friends is a Rabbi. I have a very sweet friend who is the wife of an Imam. One of Star Light’s board members, also a very dear friend, is Hindu. Each of them can tell you that I have never tried to convert them.

I hope, sincerely, that they have felt from me respect for their religion and respect for their path. I believe that there is no love without respect, and I believe, like the Bible says in 1 John 4:8, God is love.

Okay, okay, there’s lots of buzz going on about Star Light’s new venture. I promise I’ll post here soon. The one thing that you should know is that it will be in late April, in Richmond, Virginia, and Avalon, the SuperStripper, will be joining us.

And I’m so excited, I can BARELY STAND IT!

January 21, 2008

From ex-millennial girl:

It’s hard when you’re a dancer and you want to belong to the real world. So many aspects of daily life were foreign to us, like getting up at 7:00 a.m. to go to the office. It’s hard to feel like you belong to a world that looks down on your profession. But people are not like soap opera characters: always plotting some evil scheme to personally benefit from another’s suffering. And yet that’s how people treated me when they found out I was an exotic dancer. Hey: strippers like to send get well cards, make their own Christmas wreaths, and baby-sit, when they’re given the chance and the trust.

If I could do anything in the world, I would have everyone meet at least 2 exotic dancers. I’d make them meet for breakfast or lunch, or go grocery shopping together. I’d want them to just do a terribly mundane thing, so that that the non-dancer could see, once and for all, that dancers are just folks. They’re not evil. They’re not catty. They’re not conniving.

Sure, there are evil, catty, conniving dancers out there. But there are evil, catty, conniving bankers, cashiers, real estate agents, stay-at-home moms, ministers, IT specialists… Every profession has them. But that doesn’t mean that every one in the profession shares the same traits.

Those of us who are not exotic dancers have a responsibility (Yes, I am going to get preachy now) to make sure that we’re not adding to any woman’s feeling of isolation from the rest of the world. Yes, you are your sister’s keeper.

Ex-millennial girl continues, “If you can beat down the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, you can be a good person, whether you’re stripping or working the register at McDonald’s. We all feel inadequate about our professions, it’s just that stripping is such an easy target. What about you? Are you a good enough publicist? Trial lawyer? Candy bar manufacturer? We all deserve to feel like we matter.”

What are YOU doing to make sure someone feels like they matter?

December 25, 2007

This year has been a wonderful one, and I am grateful to all of you for all your support, love and care this year. Over and over this year I have been amazed and humbled by Star Light’s volunteers and supporters. Thank you for caring about the women in the United States who are exotic dancers, and for caring about their children, their parents, their friends. Thank you for loving them.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and a wonderful and peaceful New Year.

December 20, 2007

I visited a club with a team recently. We took a silver Christmas tree, with built in lights, and ornaments in silver and hot pink (of course!). This particular club is run by the owner, and he’s nearly always there, and nearly always unhappy with the employees. But he wasn’t there when we delivered the tree. One employee tried to reach the owner to see if we could put the tree up. All the employees looked at me when I asked if I could put the tree up–I could tell that no one wanted to be the one to give permission.

In fact, one woman said, “Do what you want to do, but I didn’t say it was okay.”

So me and the other team member decided that we would just put it up. You know, it’s always easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. We figured that if the owner didn’t like it, he could always just throw it out in the dumpster out back.

We picked a corner in the bar, found a plug to make it light up, put the ornaments on it. It looked like it was made for this club, since the decor has a heavy emphasis on pink neon and mirrors. When we finished, we heard many of the dancers exclaim, “It’s so cute!”

The team returned to the club a week later, with Christmas cookies and candies. The tree was still in the corner where we had placed it. In fact, one of the employees told us that the owner said, “That’s really nice,” when he saw it. He then asked who had put it up. “Those Star Light girls,” the employees said.

“Oh,” said the owner. “Those Jesus-freaks really creep me out.”

December 4, 2007

Psalm 72:1-7, 18-19
Give the king your justice, O God, and your righteousness to a king’s son.
May he judge your people with righteousness, and your poor with justice.
May the mountains yield prosperity for the people, and the hills, in righteousness.
May he defend the cause of the poor of the people, give deliverance to the needy, and crush the oppressor.
May he live while the sun endures, and as long as the moon, throughout all generations.
May he be like rain that falls on the mown grass, like showers that water the earth.
his days may righteousness flourish and peace abound, until the moon is no more.
Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel, who alone does wondrous things.
Blessed be his glorious name forever; may his glory fill the whole earth. Amen and Amen.

People who know me, know that I love the Bible. I love the language, the feel of the words, and of course, the sentiments. But I’m always shocked that people want to turn the Bible into a list of rules and regulations for individual lives. Don’t get me wrong, there are some of those things in there, but the Bible is really about living in community, and how a community should behave.

Here’s what I love about this text. First, there’s the symmetry. That’s a particular of poetic writing in Hebrew, this sort of parallel nature of the text. The Psalms (all poetry) will make a statement, then make another that is almost just like it. For instance, The sky is gloomy, the heavens are gray. The two sentences seem to say the same thing, eh?

The text says, “May he judge your people with righteousness, and your poor with justice.” The word righteousness and the word justice, in Hebrew mean the same thing. The parallelism in here is saying that “your people” are also poor, or deserving of care, and judging the people with righteousness and justice means that the people should be taken care of. The Bible, time and time again made it clear that people should have their basic needs met–we should all have food, shelter, drink. Everyone of us.

My question for this Advent is, “Do all the people around us have all that they need?” This text is an indictment of those who are not taking care of the needy. There are people who don’t have food, shelter, drink, proper health care, access to education. The Psalmist says, “May he defend the cause of the poor of the people, give deliverance to the needy, and crush the oppressor.” I challenge you to look this Advent and say, “Shall I expect to be taken care of, or shall I expect to be crushed?”

October 24, 2007

One of the hardest questions you’ll ever have to answer is, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” And many people find that they’re asking that question time and time again… Sometimes, you’ve been in a career for ages. Sometimes, you’ve been in school studying for a career. Sometimes, you’ve just started out in life, and you’re asking that question. “What do I want to be when I grow up?”

There are so many blocks to making that decision. It can be too many choices. It can be training. It can be that there just isn’t a job out there that fits your needs.

We’re all called to something. And in different points in our lives, we may be called to different things. Life and calling seems to change with the times, and change with our circumstances. Figuring out those things can be hard.

So here’s what you do… Pray. Pray hard that it will become clear to you. Act. Act, even when you aren’t sure exactly what it is you want to do. Move. Move, even if it’s in the not-so-perfect direction. Dream. Dream big. You CAN do your calling. You CAN be your calling.

I believe in you. God believes in you.