Star Light Ministries

I had a dream on Saturday night. I was hanging out in a brothel. The brothel was raided by the police. The police started rounding up all of the women there, me included. I kept thinking, “I’m a minister, not a sex worker.” And then I would think, “I can prove it!” Then I realized that I could not prove it. I had nothing on my person or in my purse that proved that I was a minister. I was handcuffed and taken away. I remember being resigned to this, to not fighting my way out of it, because this is what sex workers face all the time.

When I awoke from the dream, I knew something was different.

Maybe it’s only a tiny shift, but it’s a shift nonetheless.

I have worked, since the inception of Star Light, for viewing sex workers as whole people, as bright and shining women and men, who are powerful agents in their own lives. But in all honesty, when I started this ministry eight years ago, I thought there was a difference between me and the sex workers. I believed I could help. Mind you, it was never a sense that I knew what was right for any woman, never that I knew better than her where her life could go, never that I had all the answers, but it was, perhaps, that I had more experience, more networks, more maturity and could help. Basically, I thought that I was better than sex workers, even if only in degrees.

In my immaturity, I committed the sin of othering, especially when it came time to talk about the ministry I was doing. I talked about the kind of statistics Melissa Farley talks about. I used the “these poor women” tactic, because it was the only one I knew. I shudder now when I think about talking about some of the sermons and teaching I did. I try to imagine myself saying those things in front of the women I work with, and I just can’t imagine it.

I’ve been thinking about a sermon I heard in my preaching class in seminary, by a friend named Kara. The type of sermon we were supposed to be preaching was on a specific social justice issue, and hers was on homosexuality. As a rhetorical device, Kara used a lot of “those people” statements, which were very effective for understanding that “those people” weren’t different from everyone else (by the way, this was a VERY radical view in our seminary, which I shared with Kara). The finale of the sermon came when Kara, this straight, sweet, innocent woman with a lilting voice, exclaimed, “I’m a homosexual!”

I saw myself as “other,” and that is sin. I am sorry.

I perpetuated that othering through conversations, preaching and teaching. I am sorry.

Ultimately, though, I realize that I didn’t take the role of prophet far enough. I am convinced that the church is replete with well-intentioned people who are committing the sin of othering through their mission endeavors. Church members are concerned with the sin of commercial sex, but, really, it keeps them cozy in their feeling, “I’m better than you.” Failing to understand this, and failing to point this out, put me in collusion with their sin.

And I am sorry.

Towards the end of Jesus’ ministry on earth, he begins explaining to his disciples that he’s going to be killed. Then he says,

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends.

I don’t resonate with Jesus calling his disciples servants. However, the shift in his understanding of who the disciples were does resonate with me. It’s a shift from “I’m better than you,” to “I’m equal to you and you are equal to me.” It says, “I no longer teach, I learn. I no longer comfort, I am comforted. I no longer lead, but I am lead.” There’s a healthy reciprocity in the relationship. I feel that, and I think my dream on Saturday illustrates it more than anything.

I am grateful for my friends who are sex workers for putting up with me thus far. You have taught me about strength. You have taught me about resilience. But most of all, you have taught me acceptance, the greatest component of love. Thank you.

Yeah, even after all these years, sometimes I still get that question.

Here’s LaLibertine’s interpretation, which is nearly the best I’ve seen. Quantifiable? Maybe not. But real? Absolutely.

Star Light Ministries:
I have to do a special shoutout to Lia here. Starlight Ministries is not specifically a sex worker rights organization dedicated to changing legislation. However, it does aim to help destigmatize sex work. Starlight Ministries is a Christian organization (yes, I know!) that primarily works with exotic dancers but all sex workers are genuinely welcomed with open arms. There is no patronizing or condescending here. No, “Well, God would love you if only you got out of sex work!” It’s more, “God loves you” period. Let’s face it, for many sex workers, that little statement would make ALL the difference in the world. I won’t lie, I do not like the Christian Church at all for many reasons. However, Lia and her ministry practice what that whole “Love thy neighbor as thyself” thing is supposed to be. Truly.

LaLibertine has written one of the best posts I’ve seen about the Sex Worker Movement. And yeah, it is a movement. If you really want to understand, go read it. Please, go read it.

Yeah, I know it’s not really post #700 about career transitioning, but it already feels like it. Did I mention that I’m no good at writing a series?

There’s a great book about how change works in our lives, called Changing for Good, by Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross. Here’s how they explain the six stages in the cycle of change:

1) Pre-Contemplation (not currently considering change)
2) Contemplation (thinking about thinking about making change, sitting on the fence, want to change and don’t want to change)
3) Preparation (emotionally compelling reason to change, testing the waters)
4) Action (engaging in actions to bring about change)
5) Maintenance (continued commitment to sustaining new behavior)
and 6) Relapse or Recycle (resumption of old behaviors, very NORMAL)

There are specific realizations and steps in each of these stages that help sustain and strengthen change. As we have discussed, in pre-contemplation and contemplation, you have to remember that the CHOICE IS YOURS, and that some ambivalence is normal.

In the preparation stage, it’s important to identify and problem-solve for obstacles, find social support, figure out your best course of action, and take small steps towards change.

So! Now we’re to the next stage, action. In the immortal words of Monica from Friends, “It just got interesting!” Here’s some ways to help in this stage.

First, focus on restructuring the cues that trigger when you feel you need to work. For instance, if you always think you need to pick up a shift or two when rent is due, work on having your rent a bit early. I find that many women transitioning out find that getting rid of the majority of their costumes helps during this stage. It’s kinda like getting rid of the things that make it easy to return to dancing.

Second, recognize in your head when you succeed in dealing with obstacles. For example, it’s Friday night, you’re feeling broke, and calling a regular customer would be really easy. He’d pay you. You’d have fun. But you really don’t want to do it. “I’ve quit,” you tell yourself. When you don’t call the client, pat yourself on the back. If you have a friend who is “in the know” about your situation, give him or her the opportunity to tell you how great you are (because you are, even if it’s hard!). Find a counselor or a coach. Find a mentor. Give yourself an reward.

Third, be aware that you are going to feel loss in leaving your work. You are going to miss aspects of stripping or escorting. There are some really fun parts of your work, there’s always the cash, there’s the attention, the play, so many great aspects. And you’re going to miss them. Find ways to get those same needs met in another arena. Love the performance aspect of your work? Try out for a play! Miss the pole? Take a pole class!

Fourth, focus on the long-term benefits and your long-term goals. What will be the best part of not being in sex work? Here’s some benefits that some women have reported to me: being able to tell people exactly what you do for a living, with no judgment; feeling like they own their bodies again (which translates, often, to better sex!); people appreciate you for who you are, instead of how you look; relationships with significant others are simpler; and, especially, a real sense of pride in their work.

One of the biggest obstacles that people face when they leave sex work is an overwhelming sense that your whole life will be marred by the fact that you did work that many people judge. You’ll wonder if sex work will follow you forever, if you’ll be excluded from work because of your past. You may see sex work as a liability.

However, sex work can be an asset. You’ve learned and succeeded in a difficult job! There are tons of transferable skills that will inform your next work and make you unstoppable! I can tell you some of the assets, but you have to add some to the list:

You KNOW people. You can read anyone.
You can SELL!
You can negotiate!
You know how to attract many different types of people.

These are four traits that can take any resume to the top of the stack! And you have YOUR special skills to add to that list.

I’m going to write more soon on writing resumes, so keep an eye out. If there’s any way that Star Light can help, through offering referrals for services, help with resume writing, or just a friend to reach out to, use our contact form, and we’ll be in touch.

And remember. Please, always remember. The choice is yours. You’re a wonderful person, you’re the only YOU there is, and YOU are in control of your life.

You’re thinking of getting a new job. But there’s a problem:

What do you call the job that’s not sex work?

I mean, we all call that job something, right? I’ve heard it called the “straight” job, the “day” job, the “real” job. I hate all of these, because they either negate the fact that sex work is real work, or they’re not descriptive enough about the new job (what if your “day” job is really at night?), or they’re just plain not politically correct (the “straight” job, as opposed to the GLBT job?)

So, what will you call it?

So you have come up with a list of your expenses and a list of your income. And you find that a) you’re not making enough money to pay all of your expenses, or b) in order to get ahead, you want to cut your expenses and save more of your hard-earned money. What’s a girl to do?

Well, you can cut your expenses! (Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?)

Here’s some money-saving ideas:

Rent: get a roommate, or rent a room in your house. This will not only cut your rent, but it can potentially cut other expenses, too, like your phone bill, your internet bill, your cable bill, your utility bills, and even, perhaps, your food bill (if you cook, cooking for 2 is as inexpensive as cooking for 1). Make sure that you check references for anyone moving into your home, and be very clear what your expectations for the new roommate or boarder will be. Be a professional, and have a lease!

Utilities: Are you aware that raising your temperature in the summer or lowering it a bit in the winter can greatly affect your utility bills? Two degrees can make a big difference. Check your local utility websites for money saving ideas, like adding a brick to the back part of your toilet to lower your water usage.

Internet: Have a neighbor you really like and trust? How about sharing wireless internet with them? When two people share wireless, you pay half the bill!

Clothing and Extras: Let’s be frank here. The newest Prada bag isn’t an investment. The fabulous Gucci bag you’ve been looking at won’t keep you warm at night. The pair of the newest, hippest jeans that cost $225 won’t look any better than a $35 pair from Old Navy. Okay, they may look better, but they won’t last longer. And the ones from Old Navy won’t date you quite as quickly as the ones from Seven. If you must splurge, only pay cash for it, and ONLY do it once every few months.

Work Expenses: Okay, I know you’re going to hate me for this one, but have you ever heard of doing your own pedicure? Soak your feet, use a pumice, clip your nails and paint them up. Hmmm. I just saved you $40 for two weeks, and $80 for a month. That’s $960 a year.

Obviously, you can’t skimp on all work things, like tans, fingernails, hair. But there are small ways to cut your costs. Picture this: you usually get your hair colored every 6 weeks. Stretch it a little more (remember that roots are in!), maybe just a week, and instead of coloring your hair 8 times a year, you’ve gone to 7 times a year. This will save you the cost of a color job, at least $120.

So, during these tough economic times, what ways have you cut your expenses?

A dear friend of mine, Amy Butler, wrote a post last week about the women in ministry that she loves, in response to the recent cover story on Gospel Today magazine. For those of you who haven’t heard, Lifeway Bookstores (the Southern Baptist book store) have pulled the magazines from their shelves, and have placed them behind the counter, like Christian porn, all because there are women ministers on the front.

After recovering from my disappointment of not being featured in Amy’s blog, I decided to blog about my favorite female ministers. These are amazing women in ministry, funny, brilliant, and, yes, sexy. Here goes:

Suzanah Raffield
Fierce defender of women in the world, especially concerned with maternal care, Suzanah is one of the best preachers I’ve heard. She is funny, beautiful, and incredibly knowledgeable about women’s issues in the world. Plus, she really is one of my favorite people in the world.

Erin Spengeman
Erin Spengeman is an amazing minister, but one of those ministers without a standard pulpit. Her pulpit and church is a coffee shop in Richmond, Virginia. She hosts a wonderful Beer and Theology night on Tuesdays, writes a blog, and has hopes of being a “community chaplain” in her neighborhood. Oh! And did I mention that she’s an amazing preacher?

Rebecca Wand Ben-Gideon
Rebecca is my Rabbi. There aren’t enough words in the English language (maybe if I spoke Hebrew, I could find the words!) to express how amazing this woman is. Rebecca’s commitment to learning, education, and Torah are really an example to me, prodding me to be more serious about my scholarship and my ministry. Plus, she bakes the best challah ever!

Betty Pugh
I first met Betty at a preaching conference a few years ago. She has been at Grace Baptist Church in Richmond for over 15 years (I think!). At a time when pastors tend to last 4-7 years, that’s quite an accomplishment! She’s a great preacher, a wonderful pastor, and a great leader.

Sarah Jackson Shelton
When I was in seminary, there were very few women in pastoral roles. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to see a woman being installed as a senior pastor of a church. It still means so much to me. Sarah is the pastor of Baptist Church of the Covenant in Birmingham, Alabama. When the Baptist leaders of Birmingham tried to start controversy about her being a senior pastor, Sarah said, “I don’t have time for controversy. I have ministry to do!”

Jennifer McKenzie
Jennifer is part of the pastoral team of Christ Church in Alexandria, Virginia. I can always assume that Jennifer is going to say something straight from God’s mouth into my ear when we meet together. She is incredibly supportive, loving, and funny! She also has an amazing family and keeps her finger on the pulse of real life.

Only one left. Amy Butler. But, of course, you already know about her because you tracked my links. Amy is a great preacher, a wonderful friend, and is just a lot of fun to be around. She is Sassy. Thanks, Amy, for the blog idea.

Back in July, I wrote a post about transitioning from sex work. I was going to write a series, and I’m just now getting back to it.

Just as a recap, that post was for people who either AREN’T thinking about thinking about transitioning from sex work, and for those who are just thinking about thinking about it.

The key points of that post:

The decision is ALL YOURS.

You might feel ambivalent about transitioning out of sex work.

Those things are still true.

But there may be those out there who are beyond just thinking about thinking about getting out of sex work. You may be in the preparation stage for getting out. The preparation stage is usually marked by a couple of characteristics. First, you’re pretty serious about making the change. Second, you’ve maybe even “tested the waters” for doing some other work. Third, you have a compelling reason to leave sex work.

As I’ve thought about all my friends who are in some stage of transitioning, I have been thinking about the many different reasons why people transition. Some do it because they are tired of living in the “shadow” economy, they want to buy a house, start a business, fulfill dreams that can only be fulfilled if they work in the “real” economy. Others do it because of familial or relational pressures: pregnancy, taking care of aged parents, significant others want them to quit. Others do it because they are dealing with the physical effects of sex work, blown out knees, sore backs, or even just feeling too old to keep up the pace! Some decide to transition because of the emotional toll of sex work, feeling disconnected from their own bodies, feeling tired of being sexy or sexualized all the time. Some decide to transition because they realize that maybe, just maybe, they can have a lucrative career outside of sex work. And some do it because they want to be able to be more congruent and honest about their lives. They just want to be able to tell people what they do for a living.

In the preparation stage, here are the things that you should think about:

What will be the obstacles to leaving sex work? Here are just a few. You’ll probably make less money, initially. You will miss the attention that goes with sex work. You’ll have difficulty explaining gaps in your resume. You’ll have to redefine yourself. For each of these things, you’ll need to have a plan to work through them. For example, one friend, while leaving stripping, really missed being on the pole. She missed the applause, the attention, the show of it. What did she do to fill the gap? She began performing in local theater.

You will need community support. Non-judgmental, creative support is available out there, you just have to find it. Maybe you have a friend who knows that you dance, but is willing to support you and understands how difficult the transition is. You can employ a life/career coach. Star Light can help with this, if you need a person to help provide emotional support as you are going through the transition.

Identify your strengths and skills. You might think that working in a strip club doesn’t translate into work in corporate America. Not true! Here’s a list of some great transferable skills you’ve received from sex work: you can communicate with many different types of clients, you can negotiate, you can SELL, you can read people, you can put on that ever-so-necessary-face of “I’m really enjoying this!” that works really well in telephone communications, you can problem solve, you’re smart, you can learn.

As a side note, I will write a post about writing a resume soon!

Take small steps. Career transitions don’t happen overnight. Identify small steps that you can take, and tackle them slowly. Write a plan where you accomplish one small step each day or even each week. Small steps ensure success!

By the way, when you’re in the preparation stage, it’s a great time to think about creating alternate streams of income. Check out Avalon’s blog for more information on this. Look at some examples of people creating those streams, like GraceUndressed.

The key thing to remember is this: you have an amazing future ahead of you, whether you leave sex work or not, you are the determinant of your future.

From Guest Blogger, and Friend of Star Light, Brooke:

A couple of weeks ago, a dancer who I barely know tried to hang herself. The pain of imagining her not in the world was overwhelming to me. I cried, sobbed, for at least 24 hours. When I saw her at work about a week later, I was in the bathroom. I waited until we were the only 2 people left in there and I spoke to her. You see, she is absolutely gorgeous. Black hair, crystal blue eyes, thin, exotic, 19 years young. I told her this. I went on to tell her how she took me back to a place where I had been so many times before. That endless black hole at the bottom of the earth. Under the heavy blanket of despair, smothering the very life out of me. It would be better, I knew it would, if the pain could just stop. No other way. No one would miss me, or even notice I was gone.

You see, I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression several years ago. I have self-medicated with alcohol and about as much cocaine as you would see in Scarface. Anything to numb myself. When that didn’t work, I tried overdosing several times with a plastic bag tied over my head, hanging myself, walking to a bridge to jump (only to be stopped by cops), slitting my wrists 50 times….DAMMIT!!!!! I just wouldn’t or couldn’t die!!! In between, I have tried anti-depressants and even ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) to make me not want to die. Finally, after 25 different medication trials, and 8 to 10 sessions of uni-lateral ECT, a light bulb went off in my brain. I wanted to live. I wanted to wake up in the morning. I wanted to have coffee. I wanted to read the paper. I wanted to get my nails done. I wanted to talk to people. Something finally worked after I had given up all hope of getting better!! I followed up with a a therapist who agreed to see me after office hours for a very small fee. (God bless her!) And for the first time in about 5 years, I realized what it would have been like for other people if I had killed myself…

I would have left my daughter with infinite amounts of pain, sorrow, and blaming herself. My friends would have gone over and over in their heads if there was something they could have done to help. People who barely knew me would have cried, and wondered the same thing. I would have escaped my own pain by transferring it to so many others, leaving them to deal with the repercussions and finality of my death.

As I heard the DJ calling me to the stage, I finished telling her that although I barely knew her, it wrecked my world to think of her gone. I told her to please come to me or someone for help if she ever felt that way again. Tears in her eyes, she actually hugged and apologized to me for what she had put me through. I kissed her cheek and ran to the stage. Anybody who thinks God doesn’t do some of the best work in strip clubs is sadly mistaken!!! You’ll never guess what my DJ played to me to dance to…

(from Sixx AM, “Life is Beautiful”)

There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive…
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

……………………………………………

You are not alone. I have been to the depths of hell and back. Please reach out! Others WILL reach back!

Always,
Brooke

Renegade Evolution. A brilliant, beautiful and ballsy (I had to say that because it’s alliterated, okay?) woman.

She’s writing a series of articles at Feministe, and I really, really want to repost them here so I can be sure that you, dear readers, read them. However, linking to them is better. Then she gets the traffic. So get your butt over there and read them, puh-lease.

First post: The Sex Workers Rights Thing: An Overview

Second post: Sex Work Activism: Topic One, Harm Reduction.

Third post: Sex Work Activism: Two- Decriminalization

Fourth Post: Sex Work Activism- Three: The Problem with Creating a Monolith

Can’t you tell she’s brilliant?

What does it really mean when a person asks, “Isn’t it true that most people in sex work have been sexually abused?”

I’ve posted on this before, but it is the most annoying question I get in my professional life.

There’s a supposition in that statement that one distinct event affects our life decisions. That statement is, at best, a narrow way of looking at our life choices. Ask anyone why they chose their life’s work. “Teacher, why did you choose to be a teacher?” She may answer, “Well, I chose teaching because I wanted to spend more time with my children (one event, having children, determined career choice).” But the teacher will inevitably answer further, “and I really love the way children’s eyes light up when they get a concept. And I really want to make a difference in the world. Plus, I had a great teacher in the 3rd grade, who really challenged me and changed my life.”

See? Our career choices are not determined by one event in our lives. That first example could even be based in a hurtful, bad event. I imagine that one teacher could respond, “I had a really terrible teacher in the 3rd grade who left me feeling degraded and humiliated. I thought I could do better than her.” Hence, a teacher is redeeming a bad experience through offering a better experience.

And yes, that teacher could make their career choice and not understand ALL the aspects of her choice. The memory of the 3rd grade teacher may not reappear until much later, when the teacher has an epiphany, “Oh! I’m doing this because of my 3rd grade teacher (whether a good experience or bad).”

All of our decisions come out of our experience, whether good or bad.

I chose to work with sex workers because of my determination that the church had it wrong when it came to sex workers, and really, the church has it wrong when you’re dealing with anyone who is perceived to be “outside the norm.” I also chose to work with sex workers because I was really sick of feeling marginalized by the men where I went to seminary, which didn’t become clear to me until much later. And working with sex workers has helped me work through that anger (again, redemption), to understanding and acceptance. I chose working with sex workers for other reasons, too. I like to control my own work. I like building relationships with people. I totally dig the women I’ve met—their strength, their beauty, their passion. I’ve met some of the most brilliant people. I’m convinced that Jesus would do this same sort of work, he would look at the people I work with and say, “Ya’ll are my friends.” (Of course, Jesus would say ya’ll.)

I’ve met sex workers who were sexually abused, and their career choice helped redeem those bad things that happened to them. For one friend who was abused by a teen kid up the street, stripping gave HER the option of WHEN to take her clothes off. Stripping gave her back control of her body. But really, it wasn’t the only reason she was there. She was there to make money, to have flexible hours, to have fun. There’s no ONE reason why she stripped.

But there’s a deeper assumption in that original question, “Isn’t it true that most people in sex work have been sexually abused?” There’s a judgment about sex work, that sex work is evil. Sex work isn’t evil. It’s work. It’s hard work, too. Sure, there are downsides to it, but really, who doesn’t have downsides in their work? If it was all fun, they wouldn’t call it work, they’d call it play.

The energy that is sucked up by our judging one another could be so much better expended by taking care of one another, learning from one another, listening to one another, and well, loving one another.

The Ex-Courtesan in Transition wrote this yesterday, and I really like it:

I wish all these powerful, intelligent, articulate women would funnel all their passion into action, rather than egotistical sqabbling. I keep wondering what could be accomplished if all that angry, negative angry was transmuted into positive, creative energy, then acted upon in ways that benefitted women and the world in tangible ways.

Amen, and amen.