Star Light Ministries

Aspasia over at La Libertine’s Salon has tagged me with the Six Random Things meme. The protocol that I should now follow, apparently, is six-fold:

1. Link to the person who tagged you. Check.
2. Post the rules on your blog. Check.
3. Write six random things about yourself. Check.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. Check.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog. Check.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up. Check.

So, here goes.

Six Random Things

1) I’m deathly allergic to shellfish. Although I had been having minor reactions for years, I went into anaphylactic shock when I was 27. Many people say, “I’d die if I couldn’t eat shellfish.” As much as I love shrimp gumbo, and fried shrimp, and boiled shrimp, and shrimp sushi, I still like breathing more.

2) I’m a control freak. But I’m a control freak who knows she is a control freak, so therefore, I can control it.

3) My latest finished craft project is what I call my trucker stole. It’s a long red stole with painted “mud flap” girls on it. I’d post a picture, but that would mean I’d have to get off the couch.

4) The movie I’ve cried the most at in my life was The Color Purple. The second is Out of Africa. But I sure did cry a lot yesterday in The Secret Life of Bees.

5) My favorite cake in the whole world is called Hummingbird Cake. It’s sorta like carrot cake, but not. It’s got pineapple bits and bananas, and cream cheese frosting. I just made one tonight. Yummy!

6) I love sex workers. I never met a sex worker I didn’t love. They are the smartest, funniest, most real and most courageous people I’ve ever met.

So, there it is.

Now’s time to tag some other folks. I’m hoping that they haven’t been tagged yet…

Amanda Brooks
Avalon Vigglioti
Grace Undressed
My Girlfriend is an Escort
Uncool
and
The Panther in Pumps.

I have conversations with sex workers nearly everyday of my life. And I listen.

I hear differing points-of-view. I hear stories of women pimped into strip clubs, sold to strip clubs. I hear stories of women getting ahead financially and being empowered by sex work. I hear stories of women who cry before every shift. I hear stories of women being excited about going to work. I hear stories of women who cannot work without drinking or using drugs. I hear stories from women who say that sex work is fun. I hear success stories of women leaving the industry. I hear stories of disappointment when women have to return to sex work. I hear stories of trouble in relationships because of sex work, both because the spouse of the sex worker can’t handle it, and on the other side, because the sex worker cannot stand to be touched. I hear stories from women who love the flexibility, freedom and autonomy that sex work gives them.

Remember, this is from sex workers about their own experience, not people writing about sex workers, people who have never done sex work, or even academics.

Who do I believe?

I believe them all.

I believe that everyone’s experience of sex work is different. Put a unique individual into a unique situation, and his or her experience will be unique.

I believe that the deepest thing that sex workers need, that all humans need, is acceptance.

Anything short of acceptance is unacceptable.

For the last month or so, the Star Light team in Birmingham, Alabama has been visiting all the clubs in Birmingham. Usually, they only visit two clubs, but now they’ve been visiting all of them. There are 6 clubs.

The team visited with information about the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. coming to Birmingham. They told the dancers, the managers, and the housemoms about the economic advantage that the EDMBA offers dancers. After the seminar, dancers will make and keep more of their money.

Armed with registration forms, gifts, and sometimes even tips, the teams signed women up for the Sunday event that started at 12:30, with childcare available.

13 women signed up. Seven of those women had pre-paid, either the total $50 for the event or a deposit. The Birmingham team was psyched.

Fast forward to Sunday. It’s 12:30. One woman has come to the event, and another has called for directions. Two women showed up, and another came at about 2 o’clock. Even though 7 prepaid, only 3 came.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset that only 3 women showed up. I’m thrilled that 3 women showed up! I know that these 3 women, bright, beautiful, and wonderful were exactly the women who needed the EDMBA. I have full confidence that they will use the skills and the network to increase their agency. I also have full confidence that these women were the women that I needed to meet. They showed me a side of exotic dancing that I haven’t seen in a while.

Because of the women’s privacy, I don’t want to share too much. But these women needed to be affirmed, feel loved, and learn the skills Star Light taught.

I was reminded of the story about the little boy on the beach after a terrible hurricane. He’s walking along the beach, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean. An older gentleman walks up and says, “Why are you bothering with throwing them back in the ocean? You can’t make a difference!”

The little boy picked up another starfish, tossed it gently into the life-giving waves. “Made a difference to that one,” he said.

On September 21, we’ll have our second Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. in Birmingham, Alabama. Come learn how to make more money as a dancer, how to save and invest that money, meet some great people and have fun! Avalon from Arizona will be joining us!

In early December, we’ll have our first Sex Worker, M.B.A. in New York City. In addition to the wonderful Avalon, we’ll be joined by Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort’s Handbook. It’s going to be a great day! We’re also working on planning a second day, with two or three tracks going a little deeper. Stay tuned for more information!

How many times have I heard it since I’ve been doing this work? At least thousands. How many times have I heard it in the last week? Several. It’s my least favorite phrase when sex work comes up: “The women in sex work have been abused as children.”

Come on. You’ve heard it, too. It’s like the mantra of ministries working with women in the sex industry. “Poor little women have been sexually abused.”

Argh!

You know, I haven’t polled all the women in sex work. I don’t know if all of them have been sexually abused. I have heard statistics that of women in the United States, 3 out of 5 of them have been sexually abused. And, by the way, 1 out of 6 boys. But what does this prove? That people who have been sexually abused go straight to sex work? Nope.

Do you understand what seeing all the women in sex work as victims does? Well, let me tell you. It victimizes them. It takes away from them the idea that they are fully formed people capable of making their own choices. It removes agency. Is that your intended outcome? Nope.

I wish I could poll everybody in the world and ask them a few questions. Has sex ever been used as a weapon or an instrument of power against you? Have you ever been manipulated in order to get sex? Has anyone ever used your body and then tossed you to the side? Would anyone (male or female) be able to answer these questions with a “No”? Nope.

Sex can be used to overpower, manipulate, degrade, and abuse people.

Sex can also be used to equalize, share, uplift and celebrate people.

Sex can be about power. Or sex can be about mutuality.

Stop calling sex workers VICTIMS. Yes, I know, it makes raising money for your cause more difficult, if they aren’t seen as victims. Stop seeing sex workers as other. Reach into your own memory, when sex has been used against you, when sex hasn’t been about mutuality, but has instead been about something else. And when you do, perhaps you will see that sex workers are no different than you.

Reach into yourself and find the phrase that is the most liberating of all…

“We are not different.”

Being an exotic dancer is the only job I can think of where you’re encouraged to drink alcoholic beverages at work. And not just encouraged, but in some localities, that’s how you make your money—dancers make a percentage of every beverage they sell. And it’s hard to fake drinking. Dancers have told me that their clients smell or taste the beverages to make sure that there is alcohol in them.

I do know women who dance who have adapted little “tricks” so that they won’t drink as much alcohol as they sell. First, they request drinks that have little alcohol in them. Next, they do the double cup game (with the waitress’ help), where they have a glass of water and a glass of champagne. She takes a sip of the champagne, holds it in her mouth, then acts as if she’s drinking her water, only to spit the alcohol into the water glass. The last trick I know about is the carpet trick. When the client turns away, the dancer spills just a bit of the beverage into the carpet.

Frankly, that last one helped me figure out why so many strip clubs smell like moldy, smoky carpet.

Now a dancer in a club in Birmingham has sued her club for letting her drive home drunk. You can see more here. There have to be more ramifications of alcohol use on the job. What could they be?

It happened! And it was AMAZING! Star Light’s first Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. came together on April 28, 2008, and what a successful exciting beginning it has been for our new venture…

The day started with a self-care session. I taught a brief session on personal interaction styles based on Myers-Briggs, and then turned the focus to boundaries, those pesky limits that are worth recognizing and cherishing.

Next came the intensive from SuperStripper Avalon about money matters where we learned how to open a checking account, a savings account, and get out of debt. We learned about Money Markets and Individual Retirement Plans. We learned to budget. We learned why it’s important to plan for the future.

Then came the fun art project led by Urban Artist, Caroline Armijo. We made collages, focusing on the things we love to do, the great qualities we all possess, and our hopes and dreams. Tapping the artists in us all, we turned those collages into “cootie catchers,” those fun fortune-tellers that we made when we were 8 years old. We were reminded that if we do what we love, be who we are, we can have our hopes and dreams.

The final session was on sales skills (because stripping is sales). I think my favorite part of the day was practicing a “head-bobbing” technique to convince people that THEY WANT WHAT WE’RE SELLING. It was so funny watching the students and volunteers head-bobbing to one another as we practiced!

I received this note from one of our students:

Re: I think it’s working!
Just wanted to let you know how my first day back at work went.

I rocked!!!!!!!! It really wasn’t too busy and I managed to get more dances than I usually do! I did my best to put my new sales skills to work, and sold more than I usually sell!

My night DJ said I was smiling all night and my manager said he could see a difference in me when I hit the floor. He was so impressed he wanted to know if we should have the course taught at the club and make everyone attend!

I know it’s just one day so I’m not going to pretend that I’ve got this down yet but I definitely on my way!

Thanks again for making this available!

Star Light has three goals for the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. The first is that our students will feel accepted. The second is to give them real resources that they can use. The third is to create community. We achieved and surpassed all of these.

There are too many people to thank in this email, but I do want to say that we had amazing support from all of you….Patient volunteers who stayed to ensure that dancers felt welcome and accepted. Great volunteers who helped with outreach to welcoming churches, setting up supplies and gifts for the dancers, and so much more. Gracious vendors: Crossroads Coffee in Richmond, who donated our breakfast, Breadwinners Catering who provided an wonderful lunch, and Gallery5, who provided a wonderful space that was great. Wonderful photographer Jay Paul, who documented the day. And last but certainly not least, the so many wonderful supporters whose donations helped make this event possible.

Thank you all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Have you ever wondered how the downturn in the economy effects women who are exotic dancers?

I’ve wondered, too, and while I don’t have any statistics on it, I’d like to tell you what happened to me in a club last week, on a marathon day where I visited 6 clubs.

I talked with one manager about the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. program. He was enthusiastic about it, thought it was a great idea, but he didn’t think any of the dancers would come.

“Why not?” I asked. Instead of answering directly, he stopped a dancer walking out of the club. “Starry Night?” he asked, “How much money did you make today?” Starry Night answered, “It was the best day I’ve had in a while…I made $75 after tip out.”

The manager turned back to me. “They can’t afford $50.”

The manager went on to say that he thinks it has to do with the economy.

Yesterday was my 40th birthday. As birthdays go, it was a really wonderful one, with many messages from many wonderful friends. A day of love. I thank you all.

It’s impossible not to spend some time on your 40th birthday reflecting on your life. I asked myself, “Am I happy? Am I doing what I want to do with my life? Am I making the difference I want to make? What’s important to me, and does my life reflect this?”

As a result of recent work with an Executive Coach, Cary Kelly, I have identified the purpose of my life: to offer acceptance to everyone I meet. I grew up with an understanding that God loved me because God had to, but that perhaps God didn’t like me very much. You’ve heard it before from religious folks, haven’t you? God loves you, but you have to change so that God can accept you?

That’s not how I experience God anymore. I think that even more than loving us, God accepts us, who we are, how we are, what we do, all of it. It’s deeper than, “I love you but don’t like you.” It’s actually more like “I think you’re the neatest person I have ever met!” (Okay, yeah, I think God uses words like “neat.”)

And as a result of that deep acceptance by God, I figure that the best use of my time and energy is to spread that around. And that is what I’m doing with my life. The amazing thing about it is that it’s so much fun! A few weeks ago, a dancer on on a stripper forum suggested that Star Light has an agenda, based on her assumption that all of religion has an agenda. She wrote, they have “an agenda disguised in compassion.” Yes, we have an agenda (offering acceptance). Now that’s the kind of criticism I’m willing to have every day!

My favorite part of my birthday was going to a strip club. I stopped by a club to give the owner information about the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A., and just to say hi. After telling the owner that it was my birthday, he tried to buy me a beer, lunch or dinner! What a nice gesture! And proof to me that if you have the agenda of offering acceptance, it comes back to you ten-fold.

May it ever be.

On a recent post on stripperweb, a dancer asked an interesting question. She wrote:

On your site it says:

Pray! Pray daily for the women who dance, for the people who work with them, for the women preparing to minister in the clubs, and for the customers and clientele of the clubs.

May I ask what it is you want people to pray for?

That was such a thoughtful question. I really had to think about it. I answered this:

I pray for safety. Some of the clubs we visit are rough places. In one club I was met at the door by the manager/bouncer/DJ who explained to me that 3 women who worked there had died in 2 months. One from a drug overdose, and two had been killed by their boyfriends/husbands. While I understand that this doesn’t happen in every club, it does happen in some clubs.

I pray that the dancers will have a financially lucrative night. I pray that the dancers are living their dreams. I pray that they are living successfully, in whatever way they define that.

I pray those same prayers for the waitresses, the bartenders, managers, bouncers, and house-moms. I pray similarly for the customers–but mostly that they find what they need in the clubs.

I believe in the power of prayer. Some people call it meditating, some call it good thoughts. I believe that it changes the pray-er more than it changes the one prayed for. If a person who is not a dancer starts to see dancers in a different way, then prayer has changed her. I like a quote from The World Famous Bob. She said, after seeing the protesters who were praying outside of the Sex Workers Art Show, “I also feel that prayer is powerful and can generate love.”

I hope we are generating love.

The website will be changed soon to reflect this. I would like to thank Maria, who asked the question, for pushing me to a more thoughtful place about my words.