Star Light Ministries

Yeah, even after all these years, sometimes I still get that question.

Here’s LaLibertine’s interpretation, which is nearly the best I’ve seen. Quantifiable? Maybe not. But real? Absolutely.

Star Light Ministries:
I have to do a special shoutout to Lia here. Starlight Ministries is not specifically a sex worker rights organization dedicated to changing legislation. However, it does aim to help destigmatize sex work. Starlight Ministries is a Christian organization (yes, I know!) that primarily works with exotic dancers but all sex workers are genuinely welcomed with open arms. There is no patronizing or condescending here. No, “Well, God would love you if only you got out of sex work!” It’s more, “God loves you” period. Let’s face it, for many sex workers, that little statement would make ALL the difference in the world. I won’t lie, I do not like the Christian Church at all for many reasons. However, Lia and her ministry practice what that whole “Love thy neighbor as thyself” thing is supposed to be. Truly.

LaLibertine has written one of the best posts I’ve seen about the Sex Worker Movement. And yeah, it is a movement. If you really want to understand, go read it. Please, go read it.

Yeah, I know it’s not really post #700 about career transitioning, but it already feels like it. Did I mention that I’m no good at writing a series?

There’s a great book about how change works in our lives, called Changing for Good, by Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross. Here’s how they explain the six stages in the cycle of change:

1) Pre-Contemplation (not currently considering change)
2) Contemplation (thinking about thinking about making change, sitting on the fence, want to change and don’t want to change)
3) Preparation (emotionally compelling reason to change, testing the waters)
4) Action (engaging in actions to bring about change)
5) Maintenance (continued commitment to sustaining new behavior)
and 6) Relapse or Recycle (resumption of old behaviors, very NORMAL)

There are specific realizations and steps in each of these stages that help sustain and strengthen change. As we have discussed, in pre-contemplation and contemplation, you have to remember that the CHOICE IS YOURS, and that some ambivalence is normal.

In the preparation stage, it’s important to identify and problem-solve for obstacles, find social support, figure out your best course of action, and take small steps towards change.

So! Now we’re to the next stage, action. In the immortal words of Monica from Friends, “It just got interesting!” Here’s some ways to help in this stage.

First, focus on restructuring the cues that trigger when you feel you need to work. For instance, if you always think you need to pick up a shift or two when rent is due, work on having your rent a bit early. I find that many women transitioning out find that getting rid of the majority of their costumes helps during this stage. It’s kinda like getting rid of the things that make it easy to return to dancing.

Second, recognize in your head when you succeed in dealing with obstacles. For example, it’s Friday night, you’re feeling broke, and calling a regular customer would be really easy. He’d pay you. You’d have fun. But you really don’t want to do it. “I’ve quit,” you tell yourself. When you don’t call the client, pat yourself on the back. If you have a friend who is “in the know” about your situation, give him or her the opportunity to tell you how great you are (because you are, even if it’s hard!). Find a counselor or a coach. Find a mentor. Give yourself an reward.

Third, be aware that you are going to feel loss in leaving your work. You are going to miss aspects of stripping or escorting. There are some really fun parts of your work, there’s always the cash, there’s the attention, the play, so many great aspects. And you’re going to miss them. Find ways to get those same needs met in another arena. Love the performance aspect of your work? Try out for a play! Miss the pole? Take a pole class!

Fourth, focus on the long-term benefits and your long-term goals. What will be the best part of not being in sex work? Here’s some benefits that some women have reported to me: being able to tell people exactly what you do for a living, with no judgment; feeling like they own their bodies again (which translates, often, to better sex!); people appreciate you for who you are, instead of how you look; relationships with significant others are simpler; and, especially, a real sense of pride in their work.

One of the biggest obstacles that people face when they leave sex work is an overwhelming sense that your whole life will be marred by the fact that you did work that many people judge. You’ll wonder if sex work will follow you forever, if you’ll be excluded from work because of your past. You may see sex work as a liability.

However, sex work can be an asset. You’ve learned and succeeded in a difficult job! There are tons of transferable skills that will inform your next work and make you unstoppable! I can tell you some of the assets, but you have to add some to the list:

You KNOW people. You can read anyone.
You can SELL!
You can negotiate!
You know how to attract many different types of people.

These are four traits that can take any resume to the top of the stack! And you have YOUR special skills to add to that list.

I’m going to write more soon on writing resumes, so keep an eye out. If there’s any way that Star Light can help, through offering referrals for services, help with resume writing, or just a friend to reach out to, use our contact form, and we’ll be in touch.

And remember. Please, always remember. The choice is yours. You’re a wonderful person, you’re the only YOU there is, and YOU are in control of your life.

For the last month or so, the Star Light team in Birmingham, Alabama has been visiting all the clubs in Birmingham. Usually, they only visit two clubs, but now they’ve been visiting all of them. There are 6 clubs.

The team visited with information about the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. coming to Birmingham. They told the dancers, the managers, and the housemoms about the economic advantage that the EDMBA offers dancers. After the seminar, dancers will make and keep more of their money.

Armed with registration forms, gifts, and sometimes even tips, the teams signed women up for the Sunday event that started at 12:30, with childcare available.

13 women signed up. Seven of those women had pre-paid, either the total $50 for the event or a deposit. The Birmingham team was psyched.

Fast forward to Sunday. It’s 12:30. One woman has come to the event, and another has called for directions. Two women showed up, and another came at about 2 o’clock. Even though 7 prepaid, only 3 came.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset that only 3 women showed up. I’m thrilled that 3 women showed up! I know that these 3 women, bright, beautiful, and wonderful were exactly the women who needed the EDMBA. I have full confidence that they will use the skills and the network to increase their agency. I also have full confidence that these women were the women that I needed to meet. They showed me a side of exotic dancing that I haven’t seen in a while.

Because of the women’s privacy, I don’t want to share too much. But these women needed to be affirmed, feel loved, and learn the skills Star Light taught.

I was reminded of the story about the little boy on the beach after a terrible hurricane. He’s walking along the beach, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean. An older gentleman walks up and says, “Why are you bothering with throwing them back in the ocean? You can’t make a difference!”

The little boy picked up another starfish, tossed it gently into the life-giving waves. “Made a difference to that one,” he said.

On September 21, we’ll have our second Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. in Birmingham, Alabama. Come learn how to make more money as a dancer, how to save and invest that money, meet some great people and have fun! Avalon from Arizona will be joining us!

In early December, we’ll have our first Sex Worker, M.B.A. in New York City. In addition to the wonderful Avalon, we’ll be joined by Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort’s Handbook. It’s going to be a great day! We’re also working on planning a second day, with two or three tracks going a little deeper. Stay tuned for more information!

A lot of times I can complain (let’s face it, bitch) about the complexities of the work that I do. Sex work has a lot of complexities: the diversity of the work, the variations of reasons that women choose sex work, the divergence of economic opportunities, the list could go on and on. And sometimes I do go on and on about it.

But it is days like today that remind me of the really simple truth.

Sex workers need friends, allies, and people who care.

Just like everyone else, sex workers deal with loss: a man loses his mother, a woman takes her own life, a beloved dog dies. In these moments of pain that we all share, it’s never good to be alone.

Can’t we make sure that sex workers aren’t alone? Will you join me in breathing a prayer, having a kind thought, holding in the light, whatever it is that you do, for the sex workers who are in pain?

I am sitting here getting ready for a Board meeting for Star Light. I want to take all the lessons I’ve learned from sex work bloggers and from the Desiree Alliance’s conference, Pulling Back the Sheets, back to my Board, as a much needed guide for our work.

Will you please answer these questions, and pass them on to anyone who you think would like a voice in our work? If you have a blog where you would like to post the questions, please feel free, and please feel free to send folks my email address (or publish it) to answer them. You can email me the answers or post them in the comments.

For those of you who don’t know, Star Light shares unconditional love and friendship with women who are exotic dancers so they will not forget they are also loved and valued by God. We help them build supportive communities and find resources for successful living.

1) What do you think are the most pressing issues for people in sex work? In what way could Star Light help meet those needs?

2) Our Mission Statement says, “build supportive communities and find resources for successful living.” What would a supportive community feel like to you? What are some resources you can identify that would make you more successful in your goals?

3) What response do you expect to get, given your work, from people who are from “the Church?” How would you like for that to change?

4) How do you, today, get your spiritual needs met? Do you feel like this is a need for you? Can you imagine a place where you might feel free to get those needs met? What would be some ways that those needs could get met?

5) What would you recommend that Star Light’s Board read in order to understand your experience? Shorter is better, and blog posts would be great. I’d like to compile a little reading list for them, so please point me to one of your posts (or one of you favorite blogger’s posts) that best explains your life and work.

All answers and respondees will be given complete anonymity (unless, of course, you post your answers on the blog!). My real purpose is to find guiding principles for Star Light.

Thank you so much for answering these! I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all the experiences I had at the Desiree Alliance, and for this amazing community of folks in sex work.

Lia

I like Ruth Fowler. I enjoy reading her blog. She turns a pretty phrase. I may not always like her content (sometimes I find my self saying, “Too much information! Too much information!”) I think that’s just because I worry…

It’s a funny thing, this internet. I find myself invested in people’s lives, the writers of the blogs I read. There’s Ruth, Dacia Ray, Amanda Brooks, The Panther in Pumps (this site is currently down). I love these women for the stories they have told, the tears they’ve shed, the laughter they’ve brought to my life. I even love the fact that sometimes I have to cover my eyes and navigate off their pages really quick.

And then something happens. You meet them (Hey, Dacia and Amanda!), or you read something by them, and you just want to say, “I never knew you!” It’s a pleasant surprise, you learn wonderful things about them, you learn that they have a whole life outside the internet. And it’s good.

I read Ruth’s book, No Man’s Land, feeling the same surprise. I think it is a beautifully written book. Ruth Fowler really knows how to turn a phrase. She is poetic in prose. She builds a wonderful picture of words.

But it’s not a pretty picture. I felt her life in the club was filled with darkness. If Mimi, Ruth’s stage persona, is not feeling pain in the book, she’s busy numbing herself to not feel pain. The book filled me with sorrow.

Others have been disappointed with the book. Hobo Stripper (another amazing blogger) wrote,

“All the way through the book she has drunken horrible experience after drugged up horrible experience, explaining it all with the great WE. You see, WE strippers can’t strip sober. That’s why WE all have such horrible experiences. Lucky for her, a year or so after she descends into our underworld, Ruth gets a book deal and quickly ascends away from us (only to reappear in a book dictating our experiences and g chats asking about strip clubs in Alaska).”

I don’t think that Ruth Fowler’s experience every person’s experience in stripping. There are dancers out there who are thrilled to go to work, thrilled to make the money they make, grateful for the experience.

And there are others who have to heal from it, because it hurts and they need to numb the pain.

The voices are not monolithic. They are varied, and we need to hear each voice, because when we listen to each voice, we have a better idea about the true experience of sex work.

So, to the beautiful women bloggers out there, and to Ruth Fowler, I say, “Shine On.”

I’ve had two days of the Desiree Alliance conference, Pulling Back the Sheets: Sex, Work and Social Justice. It has been remarkable, exhausting, and difficult. Some of the break out sessions have been trivial, some of them have been life and ministry changing. I’m still wading through all the information, and hope to bring some of it back to this blog.

During one session, we got into small groups, broken into somewhat random categories. I ended up in a group called “Spiritual Sex Workers.” Well, I am spiritual…

The most significant questioning of this group to me was when we answered, “What would you like our allies to know?” Here are the answers:

Sex work is a personal decision, and shouldn’t be judged.
It’s not necessary to have been a sex worker to be supportive.
You can’t change anyone’s mind.
We can raise consciousness by combining our energies.
We are torn within ourselves, but non-judgment helps us to not be so torn.
There are a lot of differences and diversity in sex work.
Some of the work we do can be legitimate ways of healing, including, but not limited to physical therapy, healing emotional trauma.
The work we do can be full of beauty.
Spirituality is not the same thing as religion.

Over and over again, the message was clear: if you want to support a person who is a sex worker, don’t judge.

There’s one other thing. Amber Rhea, a blogger who is a Star Light reader was supposed to be at the conference today. I looked all over for her. I came in this evening and read her blog and found that she had to leave early because her father died. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

More soon. Gotta rest. And eat. And recover.

I’m psyched! I’m going to Chicago to attend the Desiree Alliance’s “Pulling Back the Sheets: Sex, Work and Social Justice” Conference from July 16-20. There are some amazing people attending: Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort’s Handbook; Rachel Aimee, Co-founder and Editor-in-Chief of $pread Magazine; Audacia Ray, author, blogger, producer and director; and some great organizations, SWANK, SWOP, SWOPEast, and HIPS.

Whoo-hoo!

The only thing is… will I know anyone there? Let me know if you’re attending the big event!

In working with sex workers, there’s always an interesting dichotomy in place. On one side, Star Light never encourages a woman to leave the industry. By encouraging a woman to get out, we are judging the work that she does, and therefore judging her. On the other side, Star Light volunteers are often approached by women who want to leave the adult industry.

So, how do we “walk the line?”

Here’s what I’ve decided to do. First, I’m going to quit panicking about seeming like I’m trying to get people to quit the industry. I’m not doing that. Next, I’m going to quit calling it “quitting the industry.” Instead, I’m going to talk about “transitioning.” It makes more sense, and is a word suggested to me by a wonderfully bright sex worker.

So, transitions. We’re all in them. Physiologically, emotionally, relationally. We’re all transitioning all the time.

I’m going to start writing some posts about transitioning. Keep an eye out!