Star Light Ministries

There are some really tough things about being in sex work. The most overwhelming one is letting another person into your really private space. It’s opening up your heart and your soul and letting someone love you.

The whole you.

Here’s what that entails:

Telling someone about the work you do. Now, I get it. It’s not easy setting yourself up to be judged. And, yeah, judgment happens. So, be careful about it.

The first rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to not judge that person. For example, if there’s a person that you work with who opens up a little bit about her life, be open and accepting. Use accepting phrases, like, “That decision makes sense to me.” “I would probably do that, too.” Put yourself in his/her shoes, and really, really feel that you might do the same thing. If you can accept a person, the likelihood of that person accepting you is made much greater.

The second rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to open yourself up slowly. Give a little of yourself, instead of opening up all at once. If you find that you can open up a little, then slowly give a little more information. Honestly, this can take a long time. But if someone is trustworthy with the little things, they’re highly more likely to be trustworthy with the big things.

The third rule? How about finding someone who has had similar experiences? Perhaps someone a little further down the road on your path. If it’s sex work that you have a hard time opening up about, how about talking to the woman you knew from your club or agency who now works a different kind of job? You know you liked her, and you were sorry to see her leave. Call her up. Ask her to coffee.

When all else fails, find a professional. You should follow the same rules, but open up a bit quicker. We all tend to think that when we go see a therapist, the therapist is the expert. But the reality is that we are the experts on ourselves. Interview the therapist. Try a few questions, and make sure that you are okay with the answers. Questions like, “What are your views on sex work?” If you feel judgment (Trust your instinct. You know judgment when you feel it), tell the therapist, “I’m specifically looking for someone who can help me look at myself, my whole self, and accept it. I work in sex work. Will you be able to accept me and my work?” If the answer is an honest “No,” ask the therapist for a recommendation.

You’re in charge because it’s your life and it’s your money.

Sometimes you might get into a situation where you’re opening up, and you might find that you feel judged. In contrast to what I just said, this time, since you already feel like you can trust the person, ask a question. Say, “I am feeling judged. Are you judging me?”

I’d like to say that it’s an easy conversation to have, but it’s not.

Many times, when you are so used to being judged, you read judgment everywhere.

I was talking with a friend the other day about her work, and I made a weird face. I felt my friend backing away. We stopped talking about her work, and instead talked about our friendship. Was I judging her? No. I was reacting to my own discomfort and my own boundaries. But we needed that clarity before we could continue in the conversation.

Sometimes you will be in situations where you feel like people are judging you. One major factor to remember is it’s not all about you.

As fearful as you are that people may be judging you, we are all scared of people judging us. Sometimes what you feel as judgment, might be the insecurity of the person you are with.

Really, all I can say is this: Finding someone to accept the whole you is important.

You might be saying, “How do you know, Lia?”

Well, everyone needs someone to love and accept them. And not everyone can get it in a friend or co-worker. I got it from a therapist first. I remember, through the couple of years that I had a great therapist, asking her time and time again. “Am I crazy?” It was my way of saying to my counselor, “Am I an acceptable human being, even though I have this gross issue?” She would look at me, laugh sometimes, and say, “You’re not crazy, Lia. You’re normal.”

And so are you. Normal.

From Guest Blogger, and Friend of Star Light, Brooke:

A couple of weeks ago, a dancer who I barely know tried to hang herself. The pain of imagining her not in the world was overwhelming to me. I cried, sobbed, for at least 24 hours. When I saw her at work about a week later, I was in the bathroom. I waited until we were the only 2 people left in there and I spoke to her. You see, she is absolutely gorgeous. Black hair, crystal blue eyes, thin, exotic, 19 years young. I told her this. I went on to tell her how she took me back to a place where I had been so many times before. That endless black hole at the bottom of the earth. Under the heavy blanket of despair, smothering the very life out of me. It would be better, I knew it would, if the pain could just stop. No other way. No one would miss me, or even notice I was gone.

You see, I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression several years ago. I have self-medicated with alcohol and about as much cocaine as you would see in Scarface. Anything to numb myself. When that didn’t work, I tried overdosing several times with a plastic bag tied over my head, hanging myself, walking to a bridge to jump (only to be stopped by cops), slitting my wrists 50 times….DAMMIT!!!!! I just wouldn’t or couldn’t die!!! In between, I have tried anti-depressants and even ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) to make me not want to die. Finally, after 25 different medication trials, and 8 to 10 sessions of uni-lateral ECT, a light bulb went off in my brain. I wanted to live. I wanted to wake up in the morning. I wanted to have coffee. I wanted to read the paper. I wanted to get my nails done. I wanted to talk to people. Something finally worked after I had given up all hope of getting better!! I followed up with a a therapist who agreed to see me after office hours for a very small fee. (God bless her!) And for the first time in about 5 years, I realized what it would have been like for other people if I had killed myself…

I would have left my daughter with infinite amounts of pain, sorrow, and blaming herself. My friends would have gone over and over in their heads if there was something they could have done to help. People who barely knew me would have cried, and wondered the same thing. I would have escaped my own pain by transferring it to so many others, leaving them to deal with the repercussions and finality of my death.

As I heard the DJ calling me to the stage, I finished telling her that although I barely knew her, it wrecked my world to think of her gone. I told her to please come to me or someone for help if she ever felt that way again. Tears in her eyes, she actually hugged and apologized to me for what she had put me through. I kissed her cheek and ran to the stage. Anybody who thinks God doesn’t do some of the best work in strip clubs is sadly mistaken!!! You’ll never guess what my DJ played to me to dance to…

(from Sixx AM, “Life is Beautiful”)

There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive…
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

……………………………………………

You are not alone. I have been to the depths of hell and back. Please reach out! Others WILL reach back!

Always,
Brooke