Star Light Ministries

I posted a few days ago about feeling like there are too many choices and not knowing which one to pick. There’s a really effective help with this, called the Informational Interview.

Find 5 people whose jobs you love and think you might be happy doing. Call them up, tell them you’re trying to decide what your next job will be, and ask them if you can take 15 minutes of their time, in person, to talk to them about their job.

Here’s what you ask:

1) What are the strengths needed for this position?
2) What are the best parts of your job?
3) What are the worst parts of your job?
4) If you were looking to replace yourself, what would you look for?
5) If someone wanted to get into your line of work, what would you suggest their steps be?

Honestly, if you ask someone these questions, the interview will take longer than 15 minutes. But at the 15 minute point, stop the interview and say, “I want to respect your time, and this is going to take longer than I thought. Can we continue?”

People love to talk about themselves and their jobs, so they’ll probably want to continue.

If you ask all the questions, you should have an idea if the job would be a good fit for you. And you should have an idea of what your next steps should be to get into this line of work. Plus, you’ve made a great contact!

It’s win-win.

I hear it over and over again. Young people (age 25-30) not knowing what they want to be “when they grow up.”

But what I’ve found is that it’s not really about not having any choices. It’s really about not knowing which career to choose. And a deep abiding fear that they may choose the WRONG thing.

There are a few things you can do if you’re feeling stuck with too many choices:

1. Get to know yourself a little better. Try a couple of personality tests and see which professions are recommended. Read the Strengthsfinder books and website, and see what your strengths are. Remember, the closer the match to your personality and strengths, the more likely you are to be happy in the field.

2. Enlist help. Coaches abound right now, find a good one for you. Ask your friends who have jobs you admire, “What would I be good at?” Ask your friends and family to think about your strengths and tell you how they think you’d excel.

3. Remember that you can always change your mind. Say you pick a path and 3 months or 3 years later, you decide that it’s not the path for you… you can always change your mind. And every experience that you have in the work force will offer you opportunities for transferable skills. Started out in Human Resources, but find that you really hate the people and want to sit in your cubicle all by yourself? Guess what! You have access to all the jobs! Look and see what would fit your need to have more alone time.

4. People have, on average, at least 3 or 4 careers in their lifetimes. That’s not 3 or 4 jobs, but 3 or 4 careers! Even if you do find the perfect fit for right now, it probably won’t fit you forever. Remember that it’s okay to change, on down the line.

There’s really only one solution to feeling stuck with too many choices. Pick one! Give yourself some space to make mistakes, but recognize that all you can do is the research and getting the help you need, then choose!

You’ll be happier for it.

Yeah, I know it’s not really post #700 about career transitioning, but it already feels like it. Did I mention that I’m no good at writing a series?

There’s a great book about how change works in our lives, called Changing for Good, by Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross. Here’s how they explain the six stages in the cycle of change:

1) Pre-Contemplation (not currently considering change)
2) Contemplation (thinking about thinking about making change, sitting on the fence, want to change and don’t want to change)
3) Preparation (emotionally compelling reason to change, testing the waters)
4) Action (engaging in actions to bring about change)
5) Maintenance (continued commitment to sustaining new behavior)
and 6) Relapse or Recycle (resumption of old behaviors, very NORMAL)

There are specific realizations and steps in each of these stages that help sustain and strengthen change. As we have discussed, in pre-contemplation and contemplation, you have to remember that the CHOICE IS YOURS, and that some ambivalence is normal.

In the preparation stage, it’s important to identify and problem-solve for obstacles, find social support, figure out your best course of action, and take small steps towards change.

So! Now we’re to the next stage, action. In the immortal words of Monica from Friends, “It just got interesting!” Here’s some ways to help in this stage.

First, focus on restructuring the cues that trigger when you feel you need to work. For instance, if you always think you need to pick up a shift or two when rent is due, work on having your rent a bit early. I find that many women transitioning out find that getting rid of the majority of their costumes helps during this stage. It’s kinda like getting rid of the things that make it easy to return to dancing.

Second, recognize in your head when you succeed in dealing with obstacles. For example, it’s Friday night, you’re feeling broke, and calling a regular customer would be really easy. He’d pay you. You’d have fun. But you really don’t want to do it. “I’ve quit,” you tell yourself. When you don’t call the client, pat yourself on the back. If you have a friend who is “in the know” about your situation, give him or her the opportunity to tell you how great you are (because you are, even if it’s hard!). Find a counselor or a coach. Find a mentor. Give yourself an reward.

Third, be aware that you are going to feel loss in leaving your work. You are going to miss aspects of stripping or escorting. There are some really fun parts of your work, there’s always the cash, there’s the attention, the play, so many great aspects. And you’re going to miss them. Find ways to get those same needs met in another arena. Love the performance aspect of your work? Try out for a play! Miss the pole? Take a pole class!

Fourth, focus on the long-term benefits and your long-term goals. What will be the best part of not being in sex work? Here’s some benefits that some women have reported to me: being able to tell people exactly what you do for a living, with no judgment; feeling like they own their bodies again (which translates, often, to better sex!); people appreciate you for who you are, instead of how you look; relationships with significant others are simpler; and, especially, a real sense of pride in their work.

One of the biggest obstacles that people face when they leave sex work is an overwhelming sense that your whole life will be marred by the fact that you did work that many people judge. You’ll wonder if sex work will follow you forever, if you’ll be excluded from work because of your past. You may see sex work as a liability.

However, sex work can be an asset. You’ve learned and succeeded in a difficult job! There are tons of transferable skills that will inform your next work and make you unstoppable! I can tell you some of the assets, but you have to add some to the list:

You KNOW people. You can read anyone.
You can SELL!
You can negotiate!
You know how to attract many different types of people.

These are four traits that can take any resume to the top of the stack! And you have YOUR special skills to add to that list.

I’m going to write more soon on writing resumes, so keep an eye out. If there’s any way that Star Light can help, through offering referrals for services, help with resume writing, or just a friend to reach out to, use our contact form, and we’ll be in touch.

And remember. Please, always remember. The choice is yours. You’re a wonderful person, you’re the only YOU there is, and YOU are in control of your life.

Back in July, I wrote a post about transitioning from sex work. I was going to write a series, and I’m just now getting back to it.

Just as a recap, that post was for people who either AREN’T thinking about thinking about transitioning from sex work, and for those who are just thinking about thinking about it.

The key points of that post:

The decision is ALL YOURS.

You might feel ambivalent about transitioning out of sex work.

Those things are still true.

But there may be those out there who are beyond just thinking about thinking about getting out of sex work. You may be in the preparation stage for getting out. The preparation stage is usually marked by a couple of characteristics. First, you’re pretty serious about making the change. Second, you’ve maybe even “tested the waters” for doing some other work. Third, you have a compelling reason to leave sex work.

As I’ve thought about all my friends who are in some stage of transitioning, I have been thinking about the many different reasons why people transition. Some do it because they are tired of living in the “shadow” economy, they want to buy a house, start a business, fulfill dreams that can only be fulfilled if they work in the “real” economy. Others do it because of familial or relational pressures: pregnancy, taking care of aged parents, significant others want them to quit. Others do it because they are dealing with the physical effects of sex work, blown out knees, sore backs, or even just feeling too old to keep up the pace! Some decide to transition because of the emotional toll of sex work, feeling disconnected from their own bodies, feeling tired of being sexy or sexualized all the time. Some decide to transition because they realize that maybe, just maybe, they can have a lucrative career outside of sex work. And some do it because they want to be able to be more congruent and honest about their lives. They just want to be able to tell people what they do for a living.

In the preparation stage, here are the things that you should think about:

What will be the obstacles to leaving sex work? Here are just a few. You’ll probably make less money, initially. You will miss the attention that goes with sex work. You’ll have difficulty explaining gaps in your resume. You’ll have to redefine yourself. For each of these things, you’ll need to have a plan to work through them. For example, one friend, while leaving stripping, really missed being on the pole. She missed the applause, the attention, the show of it. What did she do to fill the gap? She began performing in local theater.

You will need community support. Non-judgmental, creative support is available out there, you just have to find it. Maybe you have a friend who knows that you dance, but is willing to support you and understands how difficult the transition is. You can employ a life/career coach. Star Light can help with this, if you need a person to help provide emotional support as you are going through the transition.

Identify your strengths and skills. You might think that working in a strip club doesn’t translate into work in corporate America. Not true! Here’s a list of some great transferable skills you’ve received from sex work: you can communicate with many different types of clients, you can negotiate, you can SELL, you can read people, you can put on that ever-so-necessary-face of “I’m really enjoying this!” that works really well in telephone communications, you can problem solve, you’re smart, you can learn.

As a side note, I will write a post about writing a resume soon!

Take small steps. Career transitions don’t happen overnight. Identify small steps that you can take, and tackle them slowly. Write a plan where you accomplish one small step each day or even each week. Small steps ensure success!

By the way, when you’re in the preparation stage, it’s a great time to think about creating alternate streams of income. Check out Avalon’s blog for more information on this. Look at some examples of people creating those streams, like GraceUndressed.

The key thing to remember is this: you have an amazing future ahead of you, whether you leave sex work or not, you are the determinant of your future.

I have conversations with sex workers nearly everyday of my life. And I listen.

I hear differing points-of-view. I hear stories of women pimped into strip clubs, sold to strip clubs. I hear stories of women getting ahead financially and being empowered by sex work. I hear stories of women who cry before every shift. I hear stories of women being excited about going to work. I hear stories of women who cannot work without drinking or using drugs. I hear stories from women who say that sex work is fun. I hear success stories of women leaving the industry. I hear stories of disappointment when women have to return to sex work. I hear stories of trouble in relationships because of sex work, both because the spouse of the sex worker can’t handle it, and on the other side, because the sex worker cannot stand to be touched. I hear stories from women who love the flexibility, freedom and autonomy that sex work gives them.

Remember, this is from sex workers about their own experience, not people writing about sex workers, people who have never done sex work, or even academics.

Who do I believe?

I believe them all.

I believe that everyone’s experience of sex work is different. Put a unique individual into a unique situation, and his or her experience will be unique.

I believe that the deepest thing that sex workers need, that all humans need, is acceptance.

Anything short of acceptance is unacceptable.

As promised, I’m blogging about about Career Transitions. With the economy, well, frankly, in the toilet, sex work in general is suffering. People are finding that they have fewer dollars to spend on entertainment, and there’s a noticeable difference in strip clubs. Many dancers who blog are noticing that they aren’t making as much money. And many are seeing an influx of new dancers, more dancers, working each shift. Fewer customers and more dancers. You do the math.

That’s not to say that all dancers are making less money, but many of you are reporting that you have to work a bit harder for it, work a couple more shifts a week, sell a little harder.

You may not be thinking about career transitions right now. I want to be very clear here that if you’re not thinking about transitioning, more power to you! I’m writing this series of posts because so many people come to me about wanting to get out. Feel free to skip right over this series!

However, you may be contemplating a career transition. You may be thinking about thinking about changing your career. Of course, you’re not ready to take action on it, but you’re thinking about it.

So here are some steps to take as you contemplating change:

Remember that the choice is yours. No one is forcing, encouraging, or even expecting you to change your career. You are in control of your life and your decisions.

Consider the pros and cons of making a career transition. What are the things that you love about your job? What are the things that you hate? What would you be excited about in changing your career? What would you dread? Start a new notebook to keep your thoughts in about changing and just go ahead and start a pro/con list. You will come back to it, and you can edit it regularly.

You may notice that you’re feeling quite ambivalent about any changes. You can find yourself thinking, “I want to change careers, but I don’t want to change careers.” That’s totally normal. And that’s exactly why we’re not making any decisions right now.

One other area to think about it this: where are some areas in you life that you can exercise some more control? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Exercising, eating right, sleeping enough? Are you making enough money right now? Work on your sales techniques. If you’re not already reading Avalon’s blog, spend some time perusing there to find out some tips on making more money in your club. Now is a good time to work on those things. When we feel strong and successful, we find that we can make decisions from a place of strength instead of from fear or weakness.

If you’d like any other information about “thinking about thinking about” transitions, feel free to get in touch. I’d welcome input and I’m happy to answer questions.