Star Light Ministries

There are some really tough things about being in sex work. The most overwhelming one is letting another person into your really private space. It’s opening up your heart and your soul and letting someone love you.

The whole you.

Here’s what that entails:

Telling someone about the work you do. Now, I get it. It’s not easy setting yourself up to be judged. And, yeah, judgment happens. So, be careful about it.

The first rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to not judge that person. For example, if there’s a person that you work with who opens up a little bit about her life, be open and accepting. Use accepting phrases, like, “That decision makes sense to me.” “I would probably do that, too.” Put yourself in his/her shoes, and really, really feel that you might do the same thing. If you can accept a person, the likelihood of that person accepting you is made much greater.

The second rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to open yourself up slowly. Give a little of yourself, instead of opening up all at once. If you find that you can open up a little, then slowly give a little more information. Honestly, this can take a long time. But if someone is trustworthy with the little things, they’re highly more likely to be trustworthy with the big things.

The third rule? How about finding someone who has had similar experiences? Perhaps someone a little further down the road on your path. If it’s sex work that you have a hard time opening up about, how about talking to the woman you knew from your club or agency who now works a different kind of job? You know you liked her, and you were sorry to see her leave. Call her up. Ask her to coffee.

When all else fails, find a professional. You should follow the same rules, but open up a bit quicker. We all tend to think that when we go see a therapist, the therapist is the expert. But the reality is that we are the experts on ourselves. Interview the therapist. Try a few questions, and make sure that you are okay with the answers. Questions like, “What are your views on sex work?” If you feel judgment (Trust your instinct. You know judgment when you feel it), tell the therapist, “I’m specifically looking for someone who can help me look at myself, my whole self, and accept it. I work in sex work. Will you be able to accept me and my work?” If the answer is an honest “No,” ask the therapist for a recommendation.

You’re in charge because it’s your life and it’s your money.

Sometimes you might get into a situation where you’re opening up, and you might find that you feel judged. In contrast to what I just said, this time, since you already feel like you can trust the person, ask a question. Say, “I am feeling judged. Are you judging me?”

I’d like to say that it’s an easy conversation to have, but it’s not.

Many times, when you are so used to being judged, you read judgment everywhere.

I was talking with a friend the other day about her work, and I made a weird face. I felt my friend backing away. We stopped talking about her work, and instead talked about our friendship. Was I judging her? No. I was reacting to my own discomfort and my own boundaries. But we needed that clarity before we could continue in the conversation.

Sometimes you will be in situations where you feel like people are judging you. One major factor to remember is it’s not all about you.

As fearful as you are that people may be judging you, we are all scared of people judging us. Sometimes what you feel as judgment, might be the insecurity of the person you are with.

Really, all I can say is this: Finding someone to accept the whole you is important.

You might be saying, “How do you know, Lia?”

Well, everyone needs someone to love and accept them. And not everyone can get it in a friend or co-worker. I got it from a therapist first. I remember, through the couple of years that I had a great therapist, asking her time and time again. “Am I crazy?” It was my way of saying to my counselor, “Am I an acceptable human being, even though I have this gross issue?” She would look at me, laugh sometimes, and say, “You’re not crazy, Lia. You’re normal.”

And so are you. Normal.

Yeah, even after all these years, sometimes I still get that question.

Here’s LaLibertine’s interpretation, which is nearly the best I’ve seen. Quantifiable? Maybe not. But real? Absolutely.

Star Light Ministries:
I have to do a special shoutout to Lia here. Starlight Ministries is not specifically a sex worker rights organization dedicated to changing legislation. However, it does aim to help destigmatize sex work. Starlight Ministries is a Christian organization (yes, I know!) that primarily works with exotic dancers but all sex workers are genuinely welcomed with open arms. There is no patronizing or condescending here. No, “Well, God would love you if only you got out of sex work!” It’s more, “God loves you” period. Let’s face it, for many sex workers, that little statement would make ALL the difference in the world. I won’t lie, I do not like the Christian Church at all for many reasons. However, Lia and her ministry practice what that whole “Love thy neighbor as thyself” thing is supposed to be. Truly.

LaLibertine has written one of the best posts I’ve seen about the Sex Worker Movement. And yeah, it is a movement. If you really want to understand, go read it. Please, go read it.

I posted a few days ago about feeling like there are too many choices and not knowing which one to pick. There’s a really effective help with this, called the Informational Interview.

Find 5 people whose jobs you love and think you might be happy doing. Call them up, tell them you’re trying to decide what your next job will be, and ask them if you can take 15 minutes of their time, in person, to talk to them about their job.

Here’s what you ask:

1) What are the strengths needed for this position?
2) What are the best parts of your job?
3) What are the worst parts of your job?
4) If you were looking to replace yourself, what would you look for?
5) If someone wanted to get into your line of work, what would you suggest their steps be?

Honestly, if you ask someone these questions, the interview will take longer than 15 minutes. But at the 15 minute point, stop the interview and say, “I want to respect your time, and this is going to take longer than I thought. Can we continue?”

People love to talk about themselves and their jobs, so they’ll probably want to continue.

If you ask all the questions, you should have an idea if the job would be a good fit for you. And you should have an idea of what your next steps should be to get into this line of work. Plus, you’ve made a great contact!

It’s win-win.

Yeah, I know it’s not really post #700 about career transitioning, but it already feels like it. Did I mention that I’m no good at writing a series?

There’s a great book about how change works in our lives, called Changing for Good, by Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross. Here’s how they explain the six stages in the cycle of change:

1) Pre-Contemplation (not currently considering change)
2) Contemplation (thinking about thinking about making change, sitting on the fence, want to change and don’t want to change)
3) Preparation (emotionally compelling reason to change, testing the waters)
4) Action (engaging in actions to bring about change)
5) Maintenance (continued commitment to sustaining new behavior)
and 6) Relapse or Recycle (resumption of old behaviors, very NORMAL)

There are specific realizations and steps in each of these stages that help sustain and strengthen change. As we have discussed, in pre-contemplation and contemplation, you have to remember that the CHOICE IS YOURS, and that some ambivalence is normal.

In the preparation stage, it’s important to identify and problem-solve for obstacles, find social support, figure out your best course of action, and take small steps towards change.

So! Now we’re to the next stage, action. In the immortal words of Monica from Friends, “It just got interesting!” Here’s some ways to help in this stage.

First, focus on restructuring the cues that trigger when you feel you need to work. For instance, if you always think you need to pick up a shift or two when rent is due, work on having your rent a bit early. I find that many women transitioning out find that getting rid of the majority of their costumes helps during this stage. It’s kinda like getting rid of the things that make it easy to return to dancing.

Second, recognize in your head when you succeed in dealing with obstacles. For example, it’s Friday night, you’re feeling broke, and calling a regular customer would be really easy. He’d pay you. You’d have fun. But you really don’t want to do it. “I’ve quit,” you tell yourself. When you don’t call the client, pat yourself on the back. If you have a friend who is “in the know” about your situation, give him or her the opportunity to tell you how great you are (because you are, even if it’s hard!). Find a counselor or a coach. Find a mentor. Give yourself an reward.

Third, be aware that you are going to feel loss in leaving your work. You are going to miss aspects of stripping or escorting. There are some really fun parts of your work, there’s always the cash, there’s the attention, the play, so many great aspects. And you’re going to miss them. Find ways to get those same needs met in another arena. Love the performance aspect of your work? Try out for a play! Miss the pole? Take a pole class!

Fourth, focus on the long-term benefits and your long-term goals. What will be the best part of not being in sex work? Here’s some benefits that some women have reported to me: being able to tell people exactly what you do for a living, with no judgment; feeling like they own their bodies again (which translates, often, to better sex!); people appreciate you for who you are, instead of how you look; relationships with significant others are simpler; and, especially, a real sense of pride in their work.

One of the biggest obstacles that people face when they leave sex work is an overwhelming sense that your whole life will be marred by the fact that you did work that many people judge. You’ll wonder if sex work will follow you forever, if you’ll be excluded from work because of your past. You may see sex work as a liability.

However, sex work can be an asset. You’ve learned and succeeded in a difficult job! There are tons of transferable skills that will inform your next work and make you unstoppable! I can tell you some of the assets, but you have to add some to the list:

You KNOW people. You can read anyone.
You can SELL!
You can negotiate!
You know how to attract many different types of people.

These are four traits that can take any resume to the top of the stack! And you have YOUR special skills to add to that list.

I’m going to write more soon on writing resumes, so keep an eye out. If there’s any way that Star Light can help, through offering referrals for services, help with resume writing, or just a friend to reach out to, use our contact form, and we’ll be in touch.

And remember. Please, always remember. The choice is yours. You’re a wonderful person, you’re the only YOU there is, and YOU are in control of your life.

Back in July, I wrote a post about transitioning from sex work. I was going to write a series, and I’m just now getting back to it.

Just as a recap, that post was for people who either AREN’T thinking about thinking about transitioning from sex work, and for those who are just thinking about thinking about it.

The key points of that post:

The decision is ALL YOURS.

You might feel ambivalent about transitioning out of sex work.

Those things are still true.

But there may be those out there who are beyond just thinking about thinking about getting out of sex work. You may be in the preparation stage for getting out. The preparation stage is usually marked by a couple of characteristics. First, you’re pretty serious about making the change. Second, you’ve maybe even “tested the waters” for doing some other work. Third, you have a compelling reason to leave sex work.

As I’ve thought about all my friends who are in some stage of transitioning, I have been thinking about the many different reasons why people transition. Some do it because they are tired of living in the “shadow” economy, they want to buy a house, start a business, fulfill dreams that can only be fulfilled if they work in the “real” economy. Others do it because of familial or relational pressures: pregnancy, taking care of aged parents, significant others want them to quit. Others do it because they are dealing with the physical effects of sex work, blown out knees, sore backs, or even just feeling too old to keep up the pace! Some decide to transition because of the emotional toll of sex work, feeling disconnected from their own bodies, feeling tired of being sexy or sexualized all the time. Some decide to transition because they realize that maybe, just maybe, they can have a lucrative career outside of sex work. And some do it because they want to be able to be more congruent and honest about their lives. They just want to be able to tell people what they do for a living.

In the preparation stage, here are the things that you should think about:

What will be the obstacles to leaving sex work? Here are just a few. You’ll probably make less money, initially. You will miss the attention that goes with sex work. You’ll have difficulty explaining gaps in your resume. You’ll have to redefine yourself. For each of these things, you’ll need to have a plan to work through them. For example, one friend, while leaving stripping, really missed being on the pole. She missed the applause, the attention, the show of it. What did she do to fill the gap? She began performing in local theater.

You will need community support. Non-judgmental, creative support is available out there, you just have to find it. Maybe you have a friend who knows that you dance, but is willing to support you and understands how difficult the transition is. You can employ a life/career coach. Star Light can help with this, if you need a person to help provide emotional support as you are going through the transition.

Identify your strengths and skills. You might think that working in a strip club doesn’t translate into work in corporate America. Not true! Here’s a list of some great transferable skills you’ve received from sex work: you can communicate with many different types of clients, you can negotiate, you can SELL, you can read people, you can put on that ever-so-necessary-face of “I’m really enjoying this!” that works really well in telephone communications, you can problem solve, you’re smart, you can learn.

As a side note, I will write a post about writing a resume soon!

Take small steps. Career transitions don’t happen overnight. Identify small steps that you can take, and tackle them slowly. Write a plan where you accomplish one small step each day or even each week. Small steps ensure success!

By the way, when you’re in the preparation stage, it’s a great time to think about creating alternate streams of income. Check out Avalon’s blog for more information on this. Look at some examples of people creating those streams, like GraceUndressed.

The key thing to remember is this: you have an amazing future ahead of you, whether you leave sex work or not, you are the determinant of your future.

For the last month or so, the Star Light team in Birmingham, Alabama has been visiting all the clubs in Birmingham. Usually, they only visit two clubs, but now they’ve been visiting all of them. There are 6 clubs.

The team visited with information about the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. coming to Birmingham. They told the dancers, the managers, and the housemoms about the economic advantage that the EDMBA offers dancers. After the seminar, dancers will make and keep more of their money.

Armed with registration forms, gifts, and sometimes even tips, the teams signed women up for the Sunday event that started at 12:30, with childcare available.

13 women signed up. Seven of those women had pre-paid, either the total $50 for the event or a deposit. The Birmingham team was psyched.

Fast forward to Sunday. It’s 12:30. One woman has come to the event, and another has called for directions. Two women showed up, and another came at about 2 o’clock. Even though 7 prepaid, only 3 came.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset that only 3 women showed up. I’m thrilled that 3 women showed up! I know that these 3 women, bright, beautiful, and wonderful were exactly the women who needed the EDMBA. I have full confidence that they will use the skills and the network to increase their agency. I also have full confidence that these women were the women that I needed to meet. They showed me a side of exotic dancing that I haven’t seen in a while.

Because of the women’s privacy, I don’t want to share too much. But these women needed to be affirmed, feel loved, and learn the skills Star Light taught.

I was reminded of the story about the little boy on the beach after a terrible hurricane. He’s walking along the beach, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean. An older gentleman walks up and says, “Why are you bothering with throwing them back in the ocean? You can’t make a difference!”

The little boy picked up another starfish, tossed it gently into the life-giving waves. “Made a difference to that one,” he said.

On September 21, we’ll have our second Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. in Birmingham, Alabama. Come learn how to make more money as a dancer, how to save and invest that money, meet some great people and have fun! Avalon from Arizona will be joining us!

In early December, we’ll have our first Sex Worker, M.B.A. in New York City. In addition to the wonderful Avalon, we’ll be joined by Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort’s Handbook. It’s going to be a great day! We’re also working on planning a second day, with two or three tracks going a little deeper. Stay tuned for more information!

Renegade Evolution. A brilliant, beautiful and ballsy (I had to say that because it’s alliterated, okay?) woman.

She’s writing a series of articles at Feministe, and I really, really want to repost them here so I can be sure that you, dear readers, read them. However, linking to them is better. Then she gets the traffic. So get your butt over there and read them, puh-lease.

First post: The Sex Workers Rights Thing: An Overview

Second post: Sex Work Activism: Topic One, Harm Reduction.

Third post: Sex Work Activism: Two- Decriminalization

Fourth Post: Sex Work Activism- Three: The Problem with Creating a Monolith

Can’t you tell she’s brilliant?

I am sitting here getting ready for a Board meeting for Star Light. I want to take all the lessons I’ve learned from sex work bloggers and from the Desiree Alliance’s conference, Pulling Back the Sheets, back to my Board, as a much needed guide for our work.

Will you please answer these questions, and pass them on to anyone who you think would like a voice in our work? If you have a blog where you would like to post the questions, please feel free, and please feel free to send folks my email address (or publish it) to answer them. You can email me the answers or post them in the comments.

For those of you who don’t know, Star Light shares unconditional love and friendship with women who are exotic dancers so they will not forget they are also loved and valued by God. We help them build supportive communities and find resources for successful living.

1) What do you think are the most pressing issues for people in sex work? In what way could Star Light help meet those needs?

2) Our Mission Statement says, “build supportive communities and find resources for successful living.” What would a supportive community feel like to you? What are some resources you can identify that would make you more successful in your goals?

3) What response do you expect to get, given your work, from people who are from “the Church?” How would you like for that to change?

4) How do you, today, get your spiritual needs met? Do you feel like this is a need for you? Can you imagine a place where you might feel free to get those needs met? What would be some ways that those needs could get met?

5) What would you recommend that Star Light’s Board read in order to understand your experience? Shorter is better, and blog posts would be great. I’d like to compile a little reading list for them, so please point me to one of your posts (or one of you favorite blogger’s posts) that best explains your life and work.

All answers and respondees will be given complete anonymity (unless, of course, you post your answers on the blog!). My real purpose is to find guiding principles for Star Light.

Thank you so much for answering these! I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all the experiences I had at the Desiree Alliance, and for this amazing community of folks in sex work.

Lia

I’ve had two days of the Desiree Alliance conference, Pulling Back the Sheets: Sex, Work and Social Justice. It has been remarkable, exhausting, and difficult. Some of the break out sessions have been trivial, some of them have been life and ministry changing. I’m still wading through all the information, and hope to bring some of it back to this blog.

During one session, we got into small groups, broken into somewhat random categories. I ended up in a group called “Spiritual Sex Workers.” Well, I am spiritual…

The most significant questioning of this group to me was when we answered, “What would you like our allies to know?” Here are the answers:

Sex work is a personal decision, and shouldn’t be judged.
It’s not necessary to have been a sex worker to be supportive.
You can’t change anyone’s mind.
We can raise consciousness by combining our energies.
We are torn within ourselves, but non-judgment helps us to not be so torn.
There are a lot of differences and diversity in sex work.
Some of the work we do can be legitimate ways of healing, including, but not limited to physical therapy, healing emotional trauma.
The work we do can be full of beauty.
Spirituality is not the same thing as religion.

Over and over again, the message was clear: if you want to support a person who is a sex worker, don’t judge.

There’s one other thing. Amber Rhea, a blogger who is a Star Light reader was supposed to be at the conference today. I looked all over for her. I came in this evening and read her blog and found that she had to leave early because her father died. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

More soon. Gotta rest. And eat. And recover.