Star Light Ministries

There are some really tough things about being in sex work. The most overwhelming one is letting another person into your really private space. It’s opening up your heart and your soul and letting someone love you.

The whole you.

Here’s what that entails:

Telling someone about the work you do. Now, I get it. It’s not easy setting yourself up to be judged. And, yeah, judgment happens. So, be careful about it.

The first rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to not judge that person. For example, if there’s a person that you work with who opens up a little bit about her life, be open and accepting. Use accepting phrases, like, “That decision makes sense to me.” “I would probably do that, too.” Put yourself in his/her shoes, and really, really feel that you might do the same thing. If you can accept a person, the likelihood of that person accepting you is made much greater.

The second rule of finding someone who won’t judge you is to open yourself up slowly. Give a little of yourself, instead of opening up all at once. If you find that you can open up a little, then slowly give a little more information. Honestly, this can take a long time. But if someone is trustworthy with the little things, they’re highly more likely to be trustworthy with the big things.

The third rule? How about finding someone who has had similar experiences? Perhaps someone a little further down the road on your path. If it’s sex work that you have a hard time opening up about, how about talking to the woman you knew from your club or agency who now works a different kind of job? You know you liked her, and you were sorry to see her leave. Call her up. Ask her to coffee.

When all else fails, find a professional. You should follow the same rules, but open up a bit quicker. We all tend to think that when we go see a therapist, the therapist is the expert. But the reality is that we are the experts on ourselves. Interview the therapist. Try a few questions, and make sure that you are okay with the answers. Questions like, “What are your views on sex work?” If you feel judgment (Trust your instinct. You know judgment when you feel it), tell the therapist, “I’m specifically looking for someone who can help me look at myself, my whole self, and accept it. I work in sex work. Will you be able to accept me and my work?” If the answer is an honest “No,” ask the therapist for a recommendation.

You’re in charge because it’s your life and it’s your money.

Sometimes you might get into a situation where you’re opening up, and you might find that you feel judged. In contrast to what I just said, this time, since you already feel like you can trust the person, ask a question. Say, “I am feeling judged. Are you judging me?”

I’d like to say that it’s an easy conversation to have, but it’s not.

Many times, when you are so used to being judged, you read judgment everywhere.

I was talking with a friend the other day about her work, and I made a weird face. I felt my friend backing away. We stopped talking about her work, and instead talked about our friendship. Was I judging her? No. I was reacting to my own discomfort and my own boundaries. But we needed that clarity before we could continue in the conversation.

Sometimes you will be in situations where you feel like people are judging you. One major factor to remember is it’s not all about you.

As fearful as you are that people may be judging you, we are all scared of people judging us. Sometimes what you feel as judgment, might be the insecurity of the person you are with.

Really, all I can say is this: Finding someone to accept the whole you is important.

You might be saying, “How do you know, Lia?”

Well, everyone needs someone to love and accept them. And not everyone can get it in a friend or co-worker. I got it from a therapist first. I remember, through the couple of years that I had a great therapist, asking her time and time again. “Am I crazy?” It was my way of saying to my counselor, “Am I an acceptable human being, even though I have this gross issue?” She would look at me, laugh sometimes, and say, “You’re not crazy, Lia. You’re normal.”

And so are you. Normal.

Yeah, even after all these years, sometimes I still get that question.

Here’s LaLibertine’s interpretation, which is nearly the best I’ve seen. Quantifiable? Maybe not. But real? Absolutely.

Star Light Ministries:
I have to do a special shoutout to Lia here. Starlight Ministries is not specifically a sex worker rights organization dedicated to changing legislation. However, it does aim to help destigmatize sex work. Starlight Ministries is a Christian organization (yes, I know!) that primarily works with exotic dancers but all sex workers are genuinely welcomed with open arms. There is no patronizing or condescending here. No, “Well, God would love you if only you got out of sex work!” It’s more, “God loves you” period. Let’s face it, for many sex workers, that little statement would make ALL the difference in the world. I won’t lie, I do not like the Christian Church at all for many reasons. However, Lia and her ministry practice what that whole “Love thy neighbor as thyself” thing is supposed to be. Truly.

LaLibertine has written one of the best posts I’ve seen about the Sex Worker Movement. And yeah, it is a movement. If you really want to understand, go read it. Please, go read it.

Yeah, I know it’s not really post #700 about career transitioning, but it already feels like it. Did I mention that I’m no good at writing a series?

There’s a great book about how change works in our lives, called Changing for Good, by Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross. Here’s how they explain the six stages in the cycle of change:

1) Pre-Contemplation (not currently considering change)
2) Contemplation (thinking about thinking about making change, sitting on the fence, want to change and don’t want to change)
3) Preparation (emotionally compelling reason to change, testing the waters)
4) Action (engaging in actions to bring about change)
5) Maintenance (continued commitment to sustaining new behavior)
and 6) Relapse or Recycle (resumption of old behaviors, very NORMAL)

There are specific realizations and steps in each of these stages that help sustain and strengthen change. As we have discussed, in pre-contemplation and contemplation, you have to remember that the CHOICE IS YOURS, and that some ambivalence is normal.

In the preparation stage, it’s important to identify and problem-solve for obstacles, find social support, figure out your best course of action, and take small steps towards change.

So! Now we’re to the next stage, action. In the immortal words of Monica from Friends, “It just got interesting!” Here’s some ways to help in this stage.

First, focus on restructuring the cues that trigger when you feel you need to work. For instance, if you always think you need to pick up a shift or two when rent is due, work on having your rent a bit early. I find that many women transitioning out find that getting rid of the majority of their costumes helps during this stage. It’s kinda like getting rid of the things that make it easy to return to dancing.

Second, recognize in your head when you succeed in dealing with obstacles. For example, it’s Friday night, you’re feeling broke, and calling a regular customer would be really easy. He’d pay you. You’d have fun. But you really don’t want to do it. “I’ve quit,” you tell yourself. When you don’t call the client, pat yourself on the back. If you have a friend who is “in the know” about your situation, give him or her the opportunity to tell you how great you are (because you are, even if it’s hard!). Find a counselor or a coach. Find a mentor. Give yourself an reward.

Third, be aware that you are going to feel loss in leaving your work. You are going to miss aspects of stripping or escorting. There are some really fun parts of your work, there’s always the cash, there’s the attention, the play, so many great aspects. And you’re going to miss them. Find ways to get those same needs met in another arena. Love the performance aspect of your work? Try out for a play! Miss the pole? Take a pole class!

Fourth, focus on the long-term benefits and your long-term goals. What will be the best part of not being in sex work? Here’s some benefits that some women have reported to me: being able to tell people exactly what you do for a living, with no judgment; feeling like they own their bodies again (which translates, often, to better sex!); people appreciate you for who you are, instead of how you look; relationships with significant others are simpler; and, especially, a real sense of pride in their work.

One of the biggest obstacles that people face when they leave sex work is an overwhelming sense that your whole life will be marred by the fact that you did work that many people judge. You’ll wonder if sex work will follow you forever, if you’ll be excluded from work because of your past. You may see sex work as a liability.

However, sex work can be an asset. You’ve learned and succeeded in a difficult job! There are tons of transferable skills that will inform your next work and make you unstoppable! I can tell you some of the assets, but you have to add some to the list:

You KNOW people. You can read anyone.
You can SELL!
You can negotiate!
You know how to attract many different types of people.

These are four traits that can take any resume to the top of the stack! And you have YOUR special skills to add to that list.

I’m going to write more soon on writing resumes, so keep an eye out. If there’s any way that Star Light can help, through offering referrals for services, help with resume writing, or just a friend to reach out to, use our contact form, and we’ll be in touch.

And remember. Please, always remember. The choice is yours. You’re a wonderful person, you’re the only YOU there is, and YOU are in control of your life.

Whether you are thinking about getting out of sex work, feeling the push of the “new” economy, or just trying to figure out a better way to handle your finances, the Envelope Budget can work for you. It’s really basic and works great for working with cash.

First, write a list of all your expenses. Don’t leave anything out. Here’s a stab at it:

Rent or House Payment, including any condo fees.
Utilities, including gas, water, and electric (If your bills vary greatly, month-to-month, then think about getting the “budget” plan for your bill. The utility company will charge you the same amount each month, the total year’s usage divided by 12 months.)
Phone, including mobile and land line
Cable and internet
Car Payment
Car Insurance
Car Repairs (You know you have them, even if it’s just oil changes and new tires. If you don’t know how much to budget, consider the price of 4 oil changes and one set of tires for one year, and perhaps one major repair ($600?), then divide that total by 12.)
Health Insurance
Loan and Credit Card Payments (one envelop for each!)
Food (just what you spend at the grocery store for a week multiplied by 4)
Eating Out (One or two meals per week)
Alcohol, Tobacco, and/or Drugs (You know you’re going to use it, you might as well be honest and budget it!)
Clothing (Be realistic here!)
Entertainment
Savings (Should be at least 10% of your income. Remember to pay yourself first!)

Next, add up your monthly income. You know you work 4 or 5 nights a week, you know a good approximation of the amount you’ll make. I know it will vary, but estimate low—it’s always better to have money left over!

Once you figure out your approximate monthly budget by adding up all of your expenses, and you’ve got an idea of how much money you’re gonna make, you’re ready to get your envelopes out.

For each expense, start an envelope. Write on the outside of the envelope the category of payment. Then write, in the corner of the envelope, the due date for this bill. Always include enough time for delivery. If your rent is due on the 1st of the month, write the 26th on the envelope.

Go to work. Bring home cash.

You’ve figured out that you’re going to work 20 shifts this month. And your total expense each month is $2000. Therefore, you’re going to need to make $100 each shift to make your payments. Let’s break that down a little more.

Rent $700
Phone $100
Utilities $150
Food $120
Cigarettes $90
Car Payment $100
Car Insurance $70
Health Insurance $100
Savings $200
Clothes $70
Eating Out $100
Entertainment $200

Divide each of these numbers by 20 (the number of shifts you’ll work). That’s how much you’ll put in each envelope each day. For instance, in your car payment envelope, each shift you’ll put $20. By the end of the month, you’ll have all the money you need for that bill.

Obviously, you can’t send cash to many of the companies you owe money to, but you can deposit it into your bank and write a check. Or you can buy a money order to send the company. Just remember to keep your receipts.

Tomorrow… cutting expenses!

Back in July, I wrote a post about transitioning from sex work. I was going to write a series, and I’m just now getting back to it.

Just as a recap, that post was for people who either AREN’T thinking about thinking about transitioning from sex work, and for those who are just thinking about thinking about it.

The key points of that post:

The decision is ALL YOURS.

You might feel ambivalent about transitioning out of sex work.

Those things are still true.

But there may be those out there who are beyond just thinking about thinking about getting out of sex work. You may be in the preparation stage for getting out. The preparation stage is usually marked by a couple of characteristics. First, you’re pretty serious about making the change. Second, you’ve maybe even “tested the waters” for doing some other work. Third, you have a compelling reason to leave sex work.

As I’ve thought about all my friends who are in some stage of transitioning, I have been thinking about the many different reasons why people transition. Some do it because they are tired of living in the “shadow” economy, they want to buy a house, start a business, fulfill dreams that can only be fulfilled if they work in the “real” economy. Others do it because of familial or relational pressures: pregnancy, taking care of aged parents, significant others want them to quit. Others do it because they are dealing with the physical effects of sex work, blown out knees, sore backs, or even just feeling too old to keep up the pace! Some decide to transition because of the emotional toll of sex work, feeling disconnected from their own bodies, feeling tired of being sexy or sexualized all the time. Some decide to transition because they realize that maybe, just maybe, they can have a lucrative career outside of sex work. And some do it because they want to be able to be more congruent and honest about their lives. They just want to be able to tell people what they do for a living.

In the preparation stage, here are the things that you should think about:

What will be the obstacles to leaving sex work? Here are just a few. You’ll probably make less money, initially. You will miss the attention that goes with sex work. You’ll have difficulty explaining gaps in your resume. You’ll have to redefine yourself. For each of these things, you’ll need to have a plan to work through them. For example, one friend, while leaving stripping, really missed being on the pole. She missed the applause, the attention, the show of it. What did she do to fill the gap? She began performing in local theater.

You will need community support. Non-judgmental, creative support is available out there, you just have to find it. Maybe you have a friend who knows that you dance, but is willing to support you and understands how difficult the transition is. You can employ a life/career coach. Star Light can help with this, if you need a person to help provide emotional support as you are going through the transition.

Identify your strengths and skills. You might think that working in a strip club doesn’t translate into work in corporate America. Not true! Here’s a list of some great transferable skills you’ve received from sex work: you can communicate with many different types of clients, you can negotiate, you can SELL, you can read people, you can put on that ever-so-necessary-face of “I’m really enjoying this!” that works really well in telephone communications, you can problem solve, you’re smart, you can learn.

As a side note, I will write a post about writing a resume soon!

Take small steps. Career transitions don’t happen overnight. Identify small steps that you can take, and tackle them slowly. Write a plan where you accomplish one small step each day or even each week. Small steps ensure success!

By the way, when you’re in the preparation stage, it’s a great time to think about creating alternate streams of income. Check out Avalon’s blog for more information on this. Look at some examples of people creating those streams, like GraceUndressed.

The key thing to remember is this: you have an amazing future ahead of you, whether you leave sex work or not, you are the determinant of your future.

The real thing we should be talking about is this:

Why are women still making less money than men?

Why do women still have primary responsibility (including financial) for children?

Why is childcare so expensive and unavailable?

Why are women’s voices disregarded in the political discussions?

Why are there so few women in senior positions in commerce and in politics?

Why do women still have so few choices?

Why is society still having conversations about what women can do and what they can’t?

Why are women still targets of violence?

Why are women still at the bottom of the economic rung?

There’s a story in the Bible, Genesis 38, about a woman named Tamar. She marries a son of Judah, who willfully does not get her pregnant. You have to remember that in Ancient Hebrew culture, women were nothing without children, especially boys. Her husband dies. Her father-in-law, Judah, marries her to his second son, as was the tradition.

She marries the second son, but he, too, willfully withholds pregnancy from her. He dies. Technically, Tamar should be given in marriage to Judah’s third son, but she is not.

She dresses as a sex worker, and Judah pays her a visit. He doesn’t pay her, but gives her his staff and seal (the equivalence of his ID and credit card), and promises to send her pay to her. When he sends the payment, she is nowhere to be found, but is pregnant.

Months later, Tamar is dragged in front of Judah as a whore. He is all set to have her stoned. She says, “The father of my children owns this staff and seal.” Judah sees that it’s his own. He says, “She is more righteous than I,” indicating that he has not done right by Tamar. He has not given her opportunities, has not taken care of his financial and familial responsibility to her.

If society is not willing to give women their due, not willing to give them opportunities, education, childcare, and all the things necessary to be successful, then who are we to judge those who take advantage of sex work to provide these things for themselves?

I have conversations with sex workers nearly everyday of my life. And I listen.

I hear differing points-of-view. I hear stories of women pimped into strip clubs, sold to strip clubs. I hear stories of women getting ahead financially and being empowered by sex work. I hear stories of women who cry before every shift. I hear stories of women being excited about going to work. I hear stories of women who cannot work without drinking or using drugs. I hear stories from women who say that sex work is fun. I hear success stories of women leaving the industry. I hear stories of disappointment when women have to return to sex work. I hear stories of trouble in relationships because of sex work, both because the spouse of the sex worker can’t handle it, and on the other side, because the sex worker cannot stand to be touched. I hear stories from women who love the flexibility, freedom and autonomy that sex work gives them.

Remember, this is from sex workers about their own experience, not people writing about sex workers, people who have never done sex work, or even academics.

Who do I believe?

I believe them all.

I believe that everyone’s experience of sex work is different. Put a unique individual into a unique situation, and his or her experience will be unique.

I believe that the deepest thing that sex workers need, that all humans need, is acceptance.

Anything short of acceptance is unacceptable.

For the last month or so, the Star Light team in Birmingham, Alabama has been visiting all the clubs in Birmingham. Usually, they only visit two clubs, but now they’ve been visiting all of them. There are 6 clubs.

The team visited with information about the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. coming to Birmingham. They told the dancers, the managers, and the housemoms about the economic advantage that the EDMBA offers dancers. After the seminar, dancers will make and keep more of their money.

Armed with registration forms, gifts, and sometimes even tips, the teams signed women up for the Sunday event that started at 12:30, with childcare available.

13 women signed up. Seven of those women had pre-paid, either the total $50 for the event or a deposit. The Birmingham team was psyched.

Fast forward to Sunday. It’s 12:30. One woman has come to the event, and another has called for directions. Two women showed up, and another came at about 2 o’clock. Even though 7 prepaid, only 3 came.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset that only 3 women showed up. I’m thrilled that 3 women showed up! I know that these 3 women, bright, beautiful, and wonderful were exactly the women who needed the EDMBA. I have full confidence that they will use the skills and the network to increase their agency. I also have full confidence that these women were the women that I needed to meet. They showed me a side of exotic dancing that I haven’t seen in a while.

Because of the women’s privacy, I don’t want to share too much. But these women needed to be affirmed, feel loved, and learn the skills Star Light taught.

I was reminded of the story about the little boy on the beach after a terrible hurricane. He’s walking along the beach, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean. An older gentleman walks up and says, “Why are you bothering with throwing them back in the ocean? You can’t make a difference!”

The little boy picked up another starfish, tossed it gently into the life-giving waves. “Made a difference to that one,” he said.

I love Harm Reduction as a concept. Harm reduction is most commonly seen in condom and needle programs. Many people are critical of this concept, mostly because it seems as if you are “condoning the behavior.” But, you know, a person has to live in order to make different choices in their lives. You can’t make a different decision if you’re dead, can you? Therefore, using condoms (reducing the risk of STD’s) and clean needles (reducing the risk of getting HIV/AIDS and hepatitis) can perhaps leave you with the energy and health to make different decisions at a later date.

Star Light uses Harm Reduction principles. And the best list I have seen in a long time is Renegade Evolution’s list of harm reduction principles.

-Accepts, for better and for worse, that the sex industry is part of our world and chooses to work to minimize harmful effects rather than simply ignore or condemn them.

-Understands the sex industry as a complex, multifaceted thing encompasses a vast range of activities, and acknowledges that some aspects of the sex industry are clearly more dangerous than others, and those working in the sex industry may have vastly different needs.

-Calls for the non-judgmental, non-coercive provision of services and resources to people who are involved in the sex industry and bases those provisions around the wants and needs of the sex worker/ prostituted person.

-Ensures that sex workers/ prostituted people and those with a history in the sex industry have a real voice in the creation of programs and policies designed to serve them.

-Affirms sex workers/prostituted people themselves as the primary agents in setting the course of their lives, and seeks to empower them to share information, support strategies and resources which meet their actual needs.

-Recognizes that the realities of poverty, class, racism, social isolation, past trauma, education, abuse and other social inequalities affect both people’s vulnerability to harm and capacity for independent operation.

-Does not attempt to minimize or ignore the real potential harm and danger associated with the sex industry.

-Does not attempt to minimize or ignore the choices and agency of those involved with the sex industry.

This is the thinking behind the implementation of the Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. Making more money brings the dancers more agency, more opportunities, more success. And living a life with more agency, more opportunities and more success will foster even more agency, more opportunities and more success!

We care about the lives of exotic dancers. We want to help make their lives better. The Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. does make their lives better.

And it’s fun, too!

On September 21, we’ll have our second Exotic Dancer, M.B.A. in Birmingham, Alabama. Come learn how to make more money as a dancer, how to save and invest that money, meet some great people and have fun! Avalon from Arizona will be joining us!

In early December, we’ll have our first Sex Worker, M.B.A. in New York City. In addition to the wonderful Avalon, we’ll be joined by Amanda Brooks, author of The Internet Escort’s Handbook. It’s going to be a great day! We’re also working on planning a second day, with two or three tracks going a little deeper. Stay tuned for more information!